Astros fans gearing up for deplorable season

Published 3:35 pm Sunday, March 31, 2013

Now is the summer of our discontent

Made glorious winter by this son of a Brewer

Shoot, even Shakespeare couldn’t make this tragedy bearable.

Today the Houston Astros embark on their journey that will undoubtedly be an unceremonious march to 100 losses.

But what makes this season most painful is that for the first time in team history, the Astros will be in the American League — you know, the one where there’s less strategy as teams race to 10 runs with the deplorable designated hitter.

I understand there exists a population of baseball fans who actually prefer this style, but having predominantly watched the Senior (read: superior) Circuit over the years I cannot for the life of me figure out why.

Gone are calculated double switches and tactical pitching decisions.

A bunt, a bunt, my fandom for a bunt!

My interest in the first franchise I have ever loved is waning precariously close to the brink of abandonment with Houston’s move to the American League, and I know I’m not alone.

The Lastros will field a team that combined makes less than Alex Rodriguez (and will probably hit fewer home runs). But as if that weren’t enough, commissioner Bud Selig had to hatch this crazy plan to throw Houston into the hyper-competitive AL West.

Not only did Selig opt to not move his hometown Brewers back to their original league, he created a scenario where an interleague game will be played every day. Selig has destroyed the novelty of interleague play and abolished the once-great tradition of separate leagues in one fell swoop.

Oh, but it gets worse. While Astros fans used to be able to go to bed at a decent hour all but a week and a half throughout the year, Houstonians may be staying up later than ever to catch all the west coast games.

We’ll get an early dose of that when the Astros play nine straight at the Mariners, Angels and Athletics from April 8-17. (Hush Rangers fans; I know you’ve dealt with this for ages. Just be happy you get 19 easy wins this year.)

Of course, that’s assuming those in the Bayou City can even watch the Astros. Given the current cable set up, CSN Houston, which will air 157 games this year, is available to only about 40 percent of Houstonians, which Mayor Annise Parker decried as “intolerable.”

But maybe that’s a good thing, because how much will fans put up with a squad with a whopping five players on the 40-man roster boasting more than two years of MLB experience?

Bud Norris, who went 7-13 with a 4.65 ERA last year, is the team’s highest-paid player. At least they signed Philip Humber, a nice chap who happens to make his home in Tyler. He threw a no-hitter with the White Sox last year, but his 6.44 ERA fits right in with the rest of the rotation in Houston.

The Astros franchise is in a truly sorry state. Despite reaching the World Series in 2005, the team is well on its way to hitting 300 losses in a three-year span after compiling 106 and 107 losses the last two seasons.

The only things going for the Astros are the snazzy new uniforms and that they get to open the season today as the spotlight game against in-state rival Texas.

On the bright side, Texans star J.J. Watt, who homered during batting practice with the Astros on Friday, will throw out the first pitch. He’ll remind Houstonians that football season will, eventually, bring an end to their suffering.

Maybe that was Selig’s plan all along, to highlight the Texans. Maybe he wanted to diminish the Astros so the city’s NFL team can stand out. He sure can’t do that in Dallas.

You know what, Rangers fans, you can have the summer. I’ll see you in the fall when Watt and the Texans are competing for a Super Bowl instead of paying absurd money to a quarterback with one playoff win.

Thanks a lot, Bud.