Reid Kerr

I’ve been a football fan since birth, and a member of the sports media for more than 30 years, give or take. That means I’ve seen a lot of games, done a lot of interviews, and smuggled a lot of pregame meals out to eat later because I was broke. It’s been a fun ride, and I am as excited for the Super Bowl as I am depressed at the thought of getting up Monday morning without football, and having to memorize the names of all those people who live in my house again.

So why do I hate Super Bowl week so much?

On any given NFL week, between radio shows and stat breakdowns and game film and in-depth discussion with players, coaches, and bookies, I put in somewhere around 350 hours of research.

Quick note, I was a math minor for about six weeks in college, please don’t try and double-check those numbers.

But by the time the Championship games are over, the confetti has fallen, and Joe Buck is put back into his protective carrying case, I’m kind of tired of it. And the non-football talk that surrounds the Super Bowl gets really tedious.

It’s two weeks of utter blah, blah, blah. Assistant coaches get hired. Movie stars show up in weird places to promote films we won’t see. Mayors of the cities involved make bizarre bets with each other. None of it has to do with the game.

By the way, Bengals tight end C.J. Uzomah says if they win, he’ll take a bath in Cincinnati chili. I completely approve of this one, that chili has got to be better to bathe in than to try and eat. Seriously, it’s not chili. It’s sauce with cinnamon sitting under a pound of cheese and covering a pile of noodles the size of Andre the Giant’s head. It’s not a meal, it’s a kitchen accident.

I know these days the Super Bowl is just marginally a sporting event, and more of a worldwide multi-media blitz. If the two teams forgot to come back for the second half, we probably wouldn’t even notice until they ran out of commercials. It’s just an excuse for parties, promotion, and of course, the chance for the NFL’s gambling partners to get us to lose money by picking the winner, the MVP, the color of the winning coach’s Gatorade bath, and many other trivial details, including some really weird ones.

Coin Flip: Heads or Tails (-105). The “-105” means that to win 100 dollars, you have to wager 105, so your odds aren’t even. This is the prop bet I always use to illustrate how the house wins, every time. Let’s say you and I each pick one and lay down 105 bucks. Whichever way it comes up, Vegas gives one of us 205 (our 105 wager plus the 100 winnings) and keeps five dollar profit with basically no risk. Understanding odds like these help explain why there are so many multi-million dollar casinos, and also why there are so many people living under Las Vegas overpasses in t-shirts that say things like “World Poker Tour Qualifier 2016.”

Pick: Tails never fails. Except for about half of the time, I mean.

First Half Two-Minute Warning: Exactly 2:00 on the clock (-275), some different time (+210). This prop bet is whether the two-minute warning is exactly with 2:00 left, or if a play causes it to go inside two minutes before the stoppage. Betting on this seemingly-random event seems to be an early warning sign that you should get to a meeting, where you’ll sit in a circle and share with other people with similar interests.

Pick: I’ll go with a different time other than 2:00, these teams throw the ball a lot.

A Player Proposing After the Game: Yes (+400), No (-650). It’s an odd one, but I just can’t see it happening. This isn’t college, these guys are professionals. And besides, proposing after you win a Super Bowl sets an unrealistically high bar for the relationship. Take it from a guy who was named on a divorce attorney’s home loan application as a “recurring asset.”

Pick: I’ll take no.

Crypto Company’s Commercial to Air First: Something-dot-com (-225), Lost-my-cash-dot-net (+190). I’m not going to be much help here, I don’t get it. I don’t understand money that’s not money. I came from radio, where I only understand getting paid in t-shirts and hamburger meat.

Pick: Whichever one Tom Brady is shilling for.

Now on to the big pick. Last week I got the Pro Bowl correct. Normally I wouldn’t even mention the game unless I was playing in it, but I’m clinging to any hint of respectability at this point. For the playoffs I am 7-6, and a horrendous 4-9 against Vegas. As always, these are for the purposes of comedic discussion only. No wagering.

Super Bowl LVI: LA Rams (-4) vs. Cincinnati Bengals

Who I’m Rooting For: This is a tough one for me, because I honestly don’t care for the way either one of these teams was assembled. The Rams don’t have another first-round draft pick until 2099, and the Bengals are an atrocious organization that got lucky and drafted the greatest leader since Hannibal. The general, I mean, not the cinematic cannibal. I wouldn’t recommend either management style to a needy team, but it’s definitely worked here. I guess I’ll cheer on the Bengals, reluctantly.

Who I’m Picking: Yes, Joe Burrow is magic, but the Bengals are as bad on the line as they are great at the skill positions. Pass rush wins in the playoffs, which is something fresh on my mind from last year when I bet against Tampa Bay, and wound up losing my money, my wife’s jewelry, and the naming rights to my children.

My predictions? Rams to win and cover, winning by five or more. Aaron Donald is the MVP. Most of America spends halftime complaining about the musical guests, which is our true national pastime. I openly bawlat every tribute to John Madden. Joe Burrow is shown late in the fourth quarter squinting into the distance like an old Western gunfighter, planning his revenge. And Matthew Stafford shows up on State Farm commercials in June.

Good luck, everybody.

Reid Kerr plans to be very excited about the USFL for about four days, and then go back to waiting on Training Camps to open. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.