Patrice Dunagin

One of the most challenging aspects of being a parent is deciding upon a style of discipline that’s appropriate, effective and in the best interest of the child. As frustrating as it may be, it’s entirely normal for children to test limits. While it may not appear this way on the surface, addressing a child’s misbehavior provides parents with a great opportunity to teach their children valuable life lessons. Although no one has all of the answers when it comes to disciplining children, the following guidelines can help parents discipline their children in a loving, fair and effective manner.

1. Have realistic expectations. When it comes to discipline, there’s not one particular technique that works effectively with all children in all circumstances. Therefore, when considering how to deal with a child’s negative behavior, parents need to think about that child’s developmental capacities and consider how to use the misbehavior to teach an age-appropriate life lesson.

2. Communicate expectations clearly. Children will have a very difficult time following the limits established by their parents if they don’t know what those limits are. Likewise, when children violate limits, it is critical to let them know that they have violated a limit. If some type of disciplinary action is taken, it is also helpful to let children know why they are being disciplined. Taking advantage of these “teachable moments” promotes positive behavior and helps prevent future misbehavior.

3. Establish reasonable consequences. Establishing reasonable consequences is an essential aspect of effective discipline. What constitutes reasonable versus unreasonable depends on the age and developmental stage of the child and the severity of the behavior. A child who clearly understands and is capable of following a rule established by a parent, yet fails to do so, should experience a consequence for this behavior. The consequence, however, should be in line with the offense. For example, a reasonable consequence for a 3-year-old child who takes a cookie from the kitchen just before dinner would be not letting the child have a dessert after dinner. An unreasonable consequence, on the other hand, would be not letting the child eat dinner at all.

4. Be loving, yet firm. Researchers have discovered that the most effective style of discipline is an authoritative one, in which adults openly express their love for their children, yet expect them to behave in ways that are consistent with the guidelines they have set in the home. When rules and/or limits are violated, consequences are implemented that are intended to teach the importance of proper behavior.

5. Be consistent. Consistency is another factor associated with effective discipline. Consistent parents do what they say they are going to do, when they say they are going to do it, without partiality. If a parent tells a child she is going to receive a consequence for violating a rule and the parent fails to enforce it, the parent is not being consistent. Children are very observant. They pick up on inconsistencies in parents’ behavior, which can lead to further misbehavior. Children who are cared for in a consistent manner know what to expect from their parents. They are not surprised when they suffer consequences for misbehavior.

6. Discipline in a positive way. Parents who truly care about the well-being of their children discipline them because they want what is best for them. Discipline that is done to teach, guide, protect and promote self-responsibility is positive discipline. In contrast, discipline that is done out of anger or revenge is negative and can be harmful to children.

7. Model appropriate behavior. Children tend to model behavior they see on a regular basis. Parents have a unique opportunity to model positive and socially acceptable behavior. Whether it is picking up after making a mess or settling differences with another family member in a respectful manner, parents demonstrate to their children the skills they want them to acquire. If a parent wants his child to treat him and others with respect, he must model respect for others in his daily interactions. If he wants his child to listen to what he has to say, he must be willing to listen to his child.

8. Discover the origins of misbehavior. Children misbehave for a variety of reasons. A child may “act out” because he’s tired, hungry, frustrated, seeking after attention or having difficulties at school. Parents should make an attempt to find the cause of the behavior and deal with it. Doing so can prevent a situation from escalating out of control and bring a quick resolution to an otherwise potentially difficult situation.

9. Make a distinction between the child and the child’s behavior. When a child misbehaves, it is helpful to distinguish between the child and the behavior. Label the behavior as unacceptable, but don’t convey to the child that she is unacceptable. To illustrate, note the difference in the following statements: “Your behavior was disappointing,” versus “You are a disappointment!”

10. Learn from mistakes. No parent has all of the answers when it comes to dealing with children’s problem behavior. All of us who have our own children, or who have cared for children, have made mistakes when attempting to set and enforce limits with them. Disciplining children is one of the most difficult aspects of being a parent. However, effective parents learn from their mistakes. As time wears on, they become more efficient at handling difficult behavior, and they are able to teach children valuable lessons that will last a lifetime.

For more information, contact Patrice Dunagin, Smith County FCS agent for Texas A&M AgriLife Extension Service, at 903-590-2980.