With school starting again this month, many anxieties arise around getting the kids ready for school. They range from school registration and buying supplies to figuring out after-school care and extracurricular activities.

But there’s one issue many parents don’t think about until it happens and rarely do they have a plan of action to handle it. I’m talking about the after-school meltdown.

I’ll never forget the first time I experienced an after-school meltdown. My grandsons were in preschool (they’re twins) and I fully expected big smiles and happy boys the first day I picked them up. It was far from it!

They screamed, cried, threw things and refused to get buckled in, all while still in the pickup line. I was mortified, startled and angry. This happened so unexpectedly and before I became a conscious connection parenting coach. I had no plan of action or practical tools to handle the onslaught of high emotions.

I had to fight to get them buckled in, remove everything they could throw (including their shoes) and cry with them all the way home. The meltdowns happened the next day and the next until I did what we all do.

I searched the internet for how to deal with kids’ after-school meltdowns. Guess what I discovered? They weren’t “misbehaving” like this on purpose to make me mad or be defiant. They were tired, overstimulated, in a new environment with new routines and hangry. In other words, the perfect recipe for a meltdown.

Most people think this behavior is a tantrum and it isn’t. There’s a difference between tantrums and meltdown and knowing the distinction makes a huge difference in handling this challenging situation. A tantrum is when a child is fully aware of whining and crying and does it purposefully to get what they want. The crying and whining stop immediately upon receiving the attention, item or whatever they wanted.

A meltdown is a different story. The child’s brain is no longer in the logical, frontal lobe area of the brain that rules logic and reasoning. Instead, that part has shut down and they are now operating emotionally from their amygdala, or what we also call the “fight/flight/freeze” part of the brain. And keep in mind that if your child is younger than 7, the part of the brain that uses logic and reasoning isn’t yet developed.

Their behavior is beyond their control at this point and all you can do is help them safely work through their big emotions. You can find out more about this in one of my favorite parenting books, “The Whole-Brain Child,” by Drs. Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. Another great resource to check out is “No-Drama Discipline” by the same authors.

I also recommend “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by authors Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Faber’s daughter and her best friend wrote the companion book “How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen” for parents of children between ages 2 and 7, another informative read. Dr. Ross Greene is one more expert I recommend, especially for explosive and strong-willed children. Check out his books “The Explosive Child,” “Raising Good Humans” and “Lost at School.”

But there’s no reason to wait for the meltdown to come or to read the books, although I still highly recommend you read them as soon as possible. You can do a few things now to prevent them from happening or at least minimize the meltdown. For distraction, keep snacks, toys, stuffed animals and activities on hand.

Be prepared to pull over and calm a child down if needed. Remember that chaos adds to the chaos, so stay calm. Stop, breathe, then respond when you can do it calmly. Don’t ask questions.

You want to give them time to decompress from their day. Think of how you feel after a long, frustrating, over-stimulating day and how you need downtime to decompress. Our kids deserve the same.

You can also ask the school for help, especially if you have a child on an IEP or 504 plan. One of my grandsons is autistic and fixates on what he knows he can’t do (like when he kept asking to go to Chick-fil-A, but it was closed due to COVID).

He also fixated on going to the park after school, even though he knew the answer was no for various reasons. Suddenly he refused to get in the car for several days in a row and was also overstimulated by the after-school noise. We talked with the school, who created a plan for him to transition smoothly from school to the car. It worked like a charm.

And that right there is the answer to helping your child in reducing or alleviating the after-school meltdown. We saw our grandson’s need for a quieter environment and help with transitions. We met his need and the undesirable behavior stopped. When you meet their needs, your children can regulate their emotions better and you’ll create a more peaceful, happy home life.