Sept. 17, 1995 — Patrick Mahomes is born. Under Earth’s yellow sun, he will grow to have great powers.
Jan. 19, 2020 — On Championship Sunday, Mahomes and the Chiefs win the AFC by staging a furious comeback, rallying from 10 points down to score four straight touchdowns to reach their first Super Bowl in 50 years. Meanwhile, Jimmy Garoppolo wins the NFC by making only six more completions than I did.
Jan. 26, 2020 — The Pro Bowl happens, with Kirk Cousins playing for the NFC, thus invalidating the entire concept of “all-star games.”
Feb. 2, 2020, 11 a.m. Central Time — FOX’s pregame show begins featuring random concerts, heartwarming stories, plugs for TV shows no one will watch, and lots of NFL players trying to get broadcasting jobs so they can switch professions and not have to get hit in the head for a living.
Noon — The NFL sends a strike team to Antonio Brown’s Florida home to kidnap and sedate him, and keep him from doing anything that takes away from the game, like livestreaming himself swearing at cops, or perhaps hijacking the Goodyear Blimp.
2:35 p.m. — We get a pregame performance from Pitbull, because the Super Bowl is in Miami, and apparently that’s the law.
4:10 p.m. — The NFL presents a tribute to the greatest players of their first 100 seasons, and only manages to mention two guys widely thought to be murderers.
4:40 p.m. — The game ball arrives, brought by the kid from an NFL commercial who runs cross country to deliver the ball. The NFL them promptly sends him to the locker room to give him a Performance Enhancing Drug Test.
5:42 p.m. — Super Bowl LIV kicks off, brought to you by nostalgia for Tom Cruise movies, Disney Cartoons, Bill Murray comedies, and that “Jake from State Farm” commercial.
5:53 p.m. — On their opening drive, the 49ers kick a field goal. Chiefs fans are happy, because their team doesn’t really start to try until they’re down by double figures.
5:55 p.m. — A sobering realization hits, as we begin to understand we will never exist in a society where a new “Fast and Furious” movie is not coming out.
6:10 p.m. — Mahomes scores to take the lead, 7-3.
6:12 p.m. — A commercial airs for Porsche, who apparently thinks the average sports fan has quite a lot of disposable income. That contrasts with other Super Bowl advertisers, who are trying to sell us beer, soda, and discount mortgages from Aquaman.
6:20 p.m. — Jimmy Garoppolo gets picked off by Bashaud Breeland. In a promotional tie-in, the play is reviewed by a giant panda waiting to perform on “The Masked Singer.”
6:28 p.m. — Chiefs coach Andy Reid gets his second successful fourth-down conversion, in spite of calling his plays off of a Waffle House menu.
6:39 p.m. — San Francisco ties it up at 10, then with a chance to take the lead before halftime, takes a nap.
7:10 p.m. — Shakira opens the halftime show by singing a song I’ve never heard of, but I can safely say may be the greatest song of all time.
7:25 p.m. — The halftime show concludes. Are you ready for some football? Because we were certainly not ready for the Bob Fosse-meets-Latin Riverdancing clog-fest halftime turned into.
7:27 p.m. — America turns to its second-favorite pastime, which is complaining about the Super Bowl halftime show.
7:58 p.m. — The 49ers open with two scoring drives, pushing the lead to 20-10. Chiefs fans get a sly smile usually reserved for Sam Elliott.
8:31 p.m. — We get an ad for Olay, Bounty, Old Spice and another half dozen companies all in one commercial, just to remind us that Procter and Gamble still owns everything.
8:35 p.m. — The 49ers double-digit lead automatically activates the “Mahomes Comeback Machine Protocols,” and the lead is quickly cut to 20-17.
8:39 p.m. — With a chance to clinch the game, the 49ers offense shoots itself in the foot.
8:42 p.m. — Google runs an ad where an elderly husband uses Google to help remember his late wife. Everyone likes it. Google notes from our social media posts that we all like it, and starts sending us targeted ads for Kleenex, assisted living homes, and things you should be buying your grandparents right now before it’s too late.
8:47 p.m. — The Chiefs sprint down the field and go 65 yards in less than 150 seconds to take the lead 24-20. Mahomes sets himself up to be the first Super Bowl MVP born after “The Lion King.”
9 p.m. — With a chance to win the game, the 49ers offense promptly reloads, and then shoots themselves in the other foot.
9:01 p.m. — Two plays later the Chiefs score again, just to remind everyone no matter how far down they get, they always win by double-figures.
9:08 p.m. — Just to make sure his stat line stays accurate, Jimmy Garoppolo throws another interception.
9:12 p.m. — Andy Reid gets the Gatorade bath. Mahomes gets the MVP. San Francisco coach Kyle Shanahan gets the Tums.
9:30 p.m. — The Chiefs win their first Super Bowl in 50 years. The burden is lifted off of Andy Reid’s back, and firmly placed onto Kyle Shanahan’s.
Reid Kerr talks a lot, as his wife always reminds him. Reid’s second book, “I Hate It Here: A Love Story,” is out now on Amazon.com. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.