Reid Kerr

Your official unofficial NFL Draft 2024 timeline:

7 p.m. (Central Time), Thursday, April 25 — NFL Draft coverage officially begins from Detroit on ESPN, ABC, NFL Network, Hulu, The Ocho, MySpace, Vine, Google+, and UHF 62.

7:02 p.m. — ESPN begins talking about how many quarterbacks might be taken in the first round tonight, comparing it to the Great QB Draft of 1983. No one mentions the Horrible QB Draft of 2021, where just three years later, four of the top five QBs taken have already been traded for low picks, shiny objects, and bags of dirt.

7:08 p.m. — NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell comes out on stage with Detroit native Eminem, who then brings out the only five famous players the Lions have had in his lifetime.

7:12 p.m. — Chicago goes on the clock with the first pick, after Carolina traded it away last year to draft a quarterback who spent his rookie year with a quarterback rating right around room temperature.

7:13 p.m. — ESPN points out the Bears are making their first number one pick since 1947, which sounds impressive, unless you’ve actually seen the Bears play over the last 50 years.

7:19 p.m. — The Bears select quarterback Caleb Williams, who Mel Kiper Draft Expert says is a tremendous talent who would have been the first player chosen last year if he had come out then.

7:20 p.m. — Somewhere, Panthers management calls up last year’s General Manager Scott Fitterer and tries to fire him again.

7:23 p.m. — ESPN astutely points out the Bears have already drafted their quarterback of the future twice in the last seven years. ESPN is like that one friend you have who always corrects you by starting with “Well, actually…”

7:25 p.m. — ESPN says the Washington Commanders look at LSU quarterback Jayden Daniels as “Lamar Jackson 2.0.” They neglect to mention that the Commanders could have tried to sign “Lamar Jackson 1.0” last year on his way to an MVP season, and didn’t bother to do that.

7:28 p.m. — New England goes on the clock for their first pick not made by Bill Belichick since World War II.

7:32 p.m. — The Patriots ignore trade offers and take Drake May. ESPN points out that he’s the first North Carolina quarterback to go in the first round since Mitchell Trubisky in 2017. ESPN is killing it with the “damning with faint praise” analysis tonight.

7:37 p.m. — Arizona takes wide receiver Marvin Harrison Jr. ESPN’s Booger McFarland talks about all the lessons he may have learned from his father, a Pro Football Hall of Famer, and also someone who quite possibly hired a guy to kill a dude once.

7:38 p.m. — In my own personal draft room, I double check to make sure that happened since no one ever mentions it on ESPN. It did.

7:42 p.m. — ESPN pops up a graphic showing the five first-round draftees who are the sons of Hall of Famers. That includes Kellen Winslow II, who is currently serving a prison sentence longer than his NFL career. Everyone gets very quiet and pretends it’s not there.

7:46 p.m. — The Chargers take an offensive lineman. New Chargers coach and professional nutball Jim Harbaugh describes him as being “Big like a tractor, but with the soul of a fish. A fish!”

7:47 p.m. — The Giants go on the clock. An on-screen graphic indicates their team needs are “Quarterback, Wide Receiver, Hope.”

7:51 p.m. — The Giants take LSU wide receiver Malik Nabers with the pick. Somewhere Giants quarterback Daniel Jones tries to welcome Nabers to the team, misdials, and has the call intercepted by the Eagles.

7:54 p.m. — In Dallas, the Cowboys draft team asks owner Jerry Jones his opinion, and responds by telling them to go “all-in.” With the green light given, they DoorDash Taco Bell to the draft room.

8:06 p.m. — Atlanta makes the first stunning pick of the evening, taking quarterback Michael Penix Jr. and sparking furious arguments in Falcons draft watch parties, on the ESPN set, and on Kirk Cousins’ phone.

8:11 p.m. — Chicago selects wide receiver Rome Odunze, giving Bears fans the kind of hope they haven’t felt since that one year in the mid-80’s where Jim McMahon was healthy.

8:13 p.m. — The Jets trade spots with the Vikings. This trade makes sense because Minnesota needs a young quarterback, and the Jets are tired of having to run one off every couple of years.

8:19 p.m. — Mel Kiper Draft Expert says if the Vikings take J.J. McCarthy, they already have a “bridge quarterback” in place in Sam Darnold. I can only assume that’s a technical football term meaning “a quarterback who should be living under a bridge.”

8:23 p.m. — The Vikings take McCarthy.

8:26 p.m. — ESPN’s analysts talk about Aaron Rodgers telling the Jets to draft someone to protect him from pass rushers, blitzers, and “government assassins.”

8:31 p.m. — The Broncos select the sixth quarterback of the round, Oregon’s Bo Nix. Somewhere, the Raiders consider designing their 2024 offense around punting on third downs.

8:36 p.m. — ESPN continues to harp on the quarterbacks selected, leading Mel Kiper Draft Expert to finally point out that some of them are going to be disappointing. On a roll, he then reminds us half of all new marriages fail, and tells kids that the Tooth Fairy is just a way for their parents to steal their teeth.

9:04 p.m. — ESPN’s Booger McFarland describes Seahawks pick Byron Murphy as having “verticality,” which is not a word. He then doubles down, saying Murphy also has “chesture,” and “retsin,” and “sussudio.”

9:30 p.m. — The Steelers take offensive tackle Troy Fautanu, which is greeted by about four seconds of applause before everybody goes back to looking at their phones. Taking an offensive lineman in the first round is necessary, yet totally unexciting. It’s like getting your tax refund check and buying new tires with it.

9:38 p.m. — ESPN points out while the Miami Dolphins are on the clock, they’re missing their third-round pick as punishment for tampering with Tom Brady and Sean Payton. Since neither of those guys actually signed with the Dolphins, it’s a lot like paying alimony for someone who wouldn’t marry you in the first place.

9:40 p.m. — The Dolphins take Chop Robinson, whose nickname comes from “pork chop” because he was 14 pounds at birth. ESPN pauses for a moment of silence as women around the world ponder that fact.

9:50 p.m. — The Jaguars go on the clock with a draft pick that’s somehow left over from the Deshaun Watson trade from Cleveland to Houston, to Minnesota, to the Chicago Cubs, through the Toronto Argonauts, to the Washington Sentinels, to the North Dallas Bulls, and AFC Richmond.

9:58 p.m. — The Dallas Cowboys go “All-In” again, trading down with Detroit for some square pizza and a Cameo from Eminem. Jerry Jones is the kind of gambler that stares at his blackjack cards for five minutes because he can’t remember if he’s supposed to split eights.

10:25 p.m. — Buffalo trades their first-round pick to Kansas City, just like they did seven years ago when the Chiefs used it to draft Patrick Mahomes. An ESPN on-screen graphic reminds viewers that the widely accepted definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

10:33 p.m. — The Cowboys take an offensive lineman, and tuck Jerry Jones in for a nap.

10:47 p.m. — Buffalo had so much fun trading their pick to the Chiefs, they do it again to Carolina and drop out of the first round completely.

10:48 p.m. — The Panthers take wide receiver Xavier Legette, and Buffalo realizes whatever receiver they wind up drafting not only has to be better than Stefon Diggs, but also better than the two guys drafted before him, or everybody’s getting fired.

10:49 p.m. — Roger Goodell thanks everybody for coming out, and asks Eminem if he could recommend a nice Waffle House for a late dinner.