Is St. Nick behind the coal industry?

Published 10:04 pm Sunday, December 21, 2014

If Robert Kennedy Jr. is correct, and “coal is an outlaw enterprise,” shouldn’t we be concerned about the worst outlaw of them all — one who has been purveying demon coal to unsuspecting children for hundreds of years?

Kennedy was writing in the New York Times about the industry.

“Coal is an outlaw enterprise,” he claimed. “In nearly every stage of its production, many companies that profit from it routinely defy safety and environmental laws and standards designed to protect America’s public health, property and prosperity.”

It gets worse. He pointed to examples of the industry’s brushes with the law.

“These cases are only the most high-profile examples of a subversion of democracy in Appalachia, where the outsize influence and campaign donations of King Coal sway politicians and weaken agencies,” he wrote.

He fails to mention the clear ringleader here — Santa.

Think about it. Santa Claus, under cover of night, has been delivering lumps of coal to supposed “naughty” children for decades. This morally indefensible practice (aside from labeling children, which is bad enough) is only part of the story. On the other hand, he’s been rewarding the “good” children with presents, many of which clearly had to be manufactured, and as many “green” groups point out, manufacturing consumes much of the nation’s coal-powered electricity.

In recent years, of course, many children have put electronic devices on their Christmas lists — iPads, smart phones and other small items that make far too much noise. Where do they get the power from to make said noises? Santa knows. Oh yes, he knows exactly what he is doing.

If we accept Kennedy’s premise about coal, then it’s incumbent upon law enforcement agencies nationwide to hunt down this outlaw. We have it on pretty good authority that he’ll be coming through town — every town — in just a couple of days.

EDITOR’S NOTE:Dear Santa,

Please, please, please realize that the above editorial is satire. We don’t mean it. Please don’t put us on your Naughty List.

As for coal itself, Kennedy does raise some valid concerns. Coal mining can be (and often has been) a dirty, environmentally damaging process. But Kennedy’s solution to the problem is both unwarranted and unrealistic. He doesn’t propose to deal with the problem by cleaning up mining, but by “cleaning up” political spending.

“As long as campaigns are fueled by donations from King Coal, state agencies and politicians in Kentucky and West Virginia will continue to be servile cogs in a destructive machine,” he writes.

In other words, people in this one industry deserves to be singled out and stripped of its First Amendment rights.

It’s all part of a broader campaign against coal by the left. President Obama famously once vowed to “bankrupt” the coal industry. But at the same time, he also acknowledged that coal power is an inescapable reality.

Until we have viable alternatives that can provide the power we need, campaigns like Kennedy’s will be quixotic at best.

In the meantime, we do have a warning for the industry: You’d better watch out.