Reid Kerr

Happy Thanksgiving, dear readers. As always, I am very thankful for you. My life has been filled with people who don’t get my jokes. Spouses, in-laws, assorted blackjack dealers, my attorneys, creditors, News Directors, and many others, so if you’ve made it this far with me, I truly appreciate you.

I am also eternally thankful for the Dallas Cowboys, because no matter what happens, they help carry conversations year-round. This year’s disappointment is already pre-emptively bleeding over into the inevitable offseason coaching changes and the draft. It literally never ends, and yet somehow never really gets started properly either. It’s a perfect circle, an never-ending ouroboros loop of hope and despair. And somehow, it’s also become a Thanksgiving holiday tradition.

By the way, I am also thankful for a profession that allows me to follow the NFL while also making jokes about both ancient mythology and the McRib. These jobs don’t grow on trees, kids.

I can be thankful now that the big bye week is over, although admittedly more for fantasy football purposes than for actual game watching. Because six teams were off, last week I had to field a starting wide receiver corps of Brandin Cooks, Miles Austin, and Alvin Harper.

I am thankful that I don’t have to sell my fans on Tommy DeVito as a legitimate NFL starter for the rest of the season. If that Giants tank-job works and they get Shadeur Sanders or some other quarterback who can win games and sell tickets these games will all be forgotten, but for now, hoo boy.

And speaking of, I’m glad I don’t have to pick who’s getting the first draft pick yet. We’ve got eight teams with three or fewer wins, and the top picks of 2025 are probably already sweating which franchise is going to squander their early careers.

I’m glad I have learned not to get too excited about young quarterbacks, and I remember that teams like Houston and Washington were in position to draft so highly is because they stunk in the first place. C.J. Stroud had a great rookie season but man, that Texans offensive line is the bad kind of offensive. And Jayden Daniels looked like the league MVP as a rookie in the first half of the season, but Commanders fans are learning what the second half of a Kliff-Kingsbury-run season looks like, where it falls apart faster than your average “Jurassic Park” movie.

I’m thankful I don’t have to pick between the Lions and the Eagles as NFC champs just yet, because that looks like it’ll be one for the ages. I’ve already taken the next day off just to recuperate.

I’m happy I live in a world where college football has fully embraced making no sense at all, and I can watch great Big 12 matchups like Utah and Central Florida, and embrace a USC against UCLA Big 10 classic.

And I am thankful something something the Jets. Seriously, guys, I’ve run out of jokes about this franchise, and I can’t wait to see what happens in the final weeks of the season. Will they bench Aaron Rodgers? Will he claim an injury and sit down? Will he claim diplomatic immunity as a sovereign citizen of Planet LoveTron? Will Devante Adams quit football and start working at that Taco Bell he has in his house? Will Woody Johnson land his helicopter on the 50-yard line during a game and fire everybody? Who knows?

The situation surrounding the Jets for the last year and a half just goes to show you how completely undefinable and elusive chemistry can be. When there’s creative tension in a group chemistry, it can manifest itself in some very strange ways. Occasionally you get a perfect mix and Fleetwood Mac. Perhaps sometimes you get an Oasis, a brief window of greatness. Mostly though, you just get Dokken.

Time for my week 13 Thanksgiving picks. Last week I went a perfectly mediocre 3-3, and the same against the Vegas point spreads. In my defense, I was ready for Dallas to try and lose that game, but didn’t realize somehow Washington could want it even less. Lesson learned there. On the season, I’m now 46-29 and 34-41 against Vegas. Here’s my picks, along with my holiday advice for watching each game. As always, these are for the purposes of comedic discussion only. No wagering.

Chicago (+10) at Detroit: Lions fans can finally give thanks for a good team. How good? Historically, this is the best two-year run the Lions have ever had in any of our lifetimes, unless somehow Jimmy Carter is reading this column. Just in case, thank you for all the houses, Mr. President.

Pick: Lions to win and cover, winning by 11 points or more. This one should be over early so finish the lunch feast, have some dessert, watch the first half and take a nap.

NY Giants (+4) at Dallas: By the mid-second quarter, this game will test the very nature of being thankful for anything. The highlight of this game may be the inevitable Leon Lett highlights.

Pick: Cowboys to win but not cover, winning by three points or fewer. Wake up from your nap for the halftime show and complain about it, then settle in for the second half.

Miami (+3) at Green Bay: This could be the game of the weekend, as long as you forget the fact that Miami hasn’t beaten a good team since Don Shula was on the sidelines in a Starter jacket.

Pick: Packers to win and cover, winning by four points or more. Forget this game is on because you’re cleaning up the kitchen, then break out the eggnog and watch the second half as you shift into Christmas mode.

Las Vegas (+13.5) at Kansas City: Ironically, this huge pointspread indicates that Las Vegas, the economy, has absolutely no faith in Las Vegas, the football team.

Pick: Chiefs to win but not cover, winning by 13 points or fewer. This is a Friday game, so get up early for the big sales, fight the crowds, spend way too much money to save a very small amount, come home exhausted and eat some leftovers, put up the tree, then pass out for a long nap. Wake up, enjoy this one for a little while, then get some sleep to rest up for a long day of college football on Saturday.

I’ll also take rolls over biscuits, potatoes over stuffing, and a can of almost anything in the world over cranberry sauce. Seriously, I’d rather you opened up a can of STP around the centerpiece. Good luck, everybody, and a safe and happy Thanksgiving to all.