Reid Kerr

Welcome back, dear readers. Hopefully we’ve all recovered from the Thanksgiving holiday, and the overeating, and that Dolly Parton halftime performance.

By the way, seeing 77-year-old Dolly Parton in a Cowboys Cheerleader outfit reminds me that when you make a birthday wish as a teenager? You really should put a time limit on it coming true.

While you’re out doing your Black Friday shopping, remember your favorite NFL teams are also in the market for some help this time of year.

For the Cowboys, luck. This Dallas team can play with anyone else in the league, especially up front. The problem? They haven’t. They were close against Philly and blown out by San Fran. As hot as they are right now, they could win a Super Bowl but will still be underdogs to both of those teams. They need a couple of breaks. This is a season that will hang on several plays, or more likely, a few injuries.

For the Texans, continued health and happiness, and reasonable expectations. It’s rare you have a team as bad as the Texans go into an offseason and address all of their needs, but that’s what happened. A team that’s been bad and boring forever is completely reborn, and competing in a bad division. We’re seeing the start of some big things in Houston.

For Commanders coach Ron Rivera, a fresh start. Like I’ve always said, if you lose to the Giants twice in a year, you deserve to just start over.

For the Saints, fortitude. Five-and-five and leading the division? It seems like a drunk-dude-on-Bourbon-Street dream, but it is definitely happening.

For Lions fans, patience. That Packers loss stung, but you’re still better than anyone ever expected a Lions team to be. Whether that translates to the playoffs has yet to be seen but still, the regular season is exciting for the first time since Barry Sanders retired.

For the Chiefs, stick-um. Glue. Honey. Peanut butter. Anything sticky they could apply to their wide receivers’ gloves, because every downfield pass is quickly becoming slapstick comedy.

For New England, Arizona, and the Giants, a quiet losing streak to help their draft position. And for Chicago, a continued losing streak for Carolina, since they have that pick.

And for Jimmy Johnson, a nice cold one on the deck of his boat somewhere in the Florida Keys. Jimmy’s induction into the Cowboys Ring of Honor is long overdue. I love it when old partners who become rivals finally bury the hatchet and admit they couldn’t have done it without each other. Today, Jimmy and Jerry. Maybe tomorrow we can negotiate a peace treaty between Hall and Oates.

Time for my picks. Over Thanksgiving, I went 2-1 and also 2-1 against the Vegas spread. In my defense, I thought Washington would play better defense than the end zone Salvation Army kettle. Lesson learned there. I’m now 43-27 on the season, and 38-28-3 against Vegas overall. As always, these are for the purposes of comedic discussion only. No wagering.

Carolina (+3.5) at Tennessee: Fun fact, counting his NFL team and his soccer team, owner David Tepperhas fired six head coaches since 2019. Frank Reich, I hope you’re renting, and not buying.

Pick: Titans to win and cover, winning by four or more points.

Chicago (+3) at Minnesota: I’m not sure about the playoffs, but I can’t wait for the eventual Josh Dobbs TV movie.

Pick: Vikings to win and cover, winning by four or more points.

Pittsburgh (-2) at Cincinnati: Are Steelers fans happy the team finally fired Offensive Coordinator Matt Canada? Well, considering most of them wanted him hunted down and killed, I don’t think so.

Pick: Bengals to win it outright.

New England (-3.5) at NY Giants: In the offseason, when you get all excited because your team has a high draft pick and you think you’re going to get your quarterback of the future, think of this game and these two franchises. And while you’re doing that, make sure you tip Josh Rosen for delivering your Door Dash.

Pick: Giants to win it outright. Please don’t make me watch this game.

Kansas City (-8.5) at Las Vegas: I was trying to type a joke about Jimmy Garropolo, and my autocorrect popped up with “Did you mean ‘Brock Osweiler?’” Eh, close enough.

Pick: Chiefs to win but not cover, winning by eight or fewer points.

Buffalo (+3.5) at Phildelphia: Josh Allen is a human turnover. And I don’t mean that in the tasty, fruit-filled way.

Pick: Eagles to win and cover, winning by four or more points.

I’ll also take the Browns over the Broncos, Saints over the Falcons, and lapsing into a coma over venturing out on Black Friday. Good luck, everybody.

Reid Kerr had to buy Hawaiian Rolls on three different occasions over a 24-hour span, because who are they kidding with those serving sizes? You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.