Jack Stallard

I was the only person in the building earlier this week when the company’s new vending machine — the one stationed in a dark corner on the second floor — spoke to me.

I’m not proud of the words I used when the machine dispensed my granola bar and then loudly thanked me for my purchase, but Chuck Norris would have been proud of the martial arts moves I performed while fleeing from what I assumed was a polite serial killer.

I have a 20-year-old artificial hip and a fairly new pacemaker, and both got a good workout when the vending machine unexpectedly shouted “THANK YOU!” at me as I reached for my snack.

I managed to make it back to my desk on the third floor without suffering a heart attack or an embarrassing bodily function accident, but I realized I had left my granola bar with the yappy machine.

It’s probably still there if anyone wants it.

As I sat at my desk, hoping to eventually begin breathing again and praying the machine didn’t also grow a set of legs to go with its newfound voice, I began to wonder if talking vending machines are something we really need in our lives.

Since my hands were shaking too much to do any actual work for the next hour, I came up with a list of other things I can do without.

Self-driving vehicles

It’s only a matter of time before a country singer has a hit song about his wife staying with him but his favorite pickup leaving him for another garage.

Too much information

I’m sorry aunt Velveeta’s foot fungus is acting up again, but I’m also pretty sure she wouldn’t want everyone in the waiting room knowing about her little problem. Take that conversation outside, please.

Self checkout

I just worked 12 hours. I don’t want another job, and no, I won’t stop on the way out the door and let you look at the receipt so you can see if I correctly did the job you didn’t train me for.

SnakesI didn’t pay enough attention in school to know which snakes are going to bite me and kill me and which ones are going to bite me and just cause me pain, so I live by one rule. If it doesn’t have shoulders, it has to die.

Roughing the passerHopefully, with the retirement of National Football League golden boy Tom Brady earlier this week, defensive players can once again actually tackle a quarterback without fear of penalty, fine, suspension and possible jail time. If I never hear the words “he put his full weight on the quarterback” from a referee again, it’ll be too soon.

SpamI’m not talking about the canned pork (wink, wink) product that has been around since 1937. My problem is with the dozens of unsolicited bulk emails I get each week from people who have nothing better to do than sit in their parents’ basement and mess with hardworking folks.

Today, I got emails from someone who wants to deposit $100 in my savings account, someone who wants to borrow $500 and someone who says I owe them $250. I forwarded all three emails to the offending parties so they can fight it out.

I’ve discovered the list of things that get on my nerves grows almost daily as I’ve gotten older, but I’m not changing my ways or apologizing for being human.

At least not until a certain machine apologizes for scaring several years off my life.