Reid Kerr

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“Hey guys, it’s Reid. Sorry, I don’t know if I can get to a laptop to write a column this week. I’m trying to get back home after visiting my family, and I don’t know if I’m going to make it. Everything is delayed here on Christmas Eve and the airport is a madhouse, so just print that I’m taking the Eagles (-7) to beat Dallas, but not to cover the spread so they’ll win by six points or fewer. The Cowboys have passed the point where winning helps them, but they can certainly screw things up for other teams so they’ll make it exciting. Sorry again, I’ll let you know if I can get to somewhere with an internet connection to write. Thanks, and Merry Christmas!”

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“Hey, it’s Reid again. They actually let us on the plane, which is great, but then they told us because of bad weather in Dallas they’re going to hold us here for takeoff, so I’ve been sitting here … about an hour, I think. However long it takes to lose feeling in my feet, that’s how long it’s been. While I had a sec, I wanted to tell you to print I’m saying the Colts (-7.5) will beat the Giants by seven or fewer. The Colts can’t pass the ball at all, but the Giants have the top draft pick right now and if they get close to winning, the Mara family will start ordering people to start punting on second down. Hopefully they clear us soon so we can fly out of here. Merry Christmas guys!”

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“Uh … it’s Reid. I’m still here. It’s been two hours now, we’re still on the runway. The airline just opened the beverage cart and gave all of us a half a cup of tepid water, like we’re in a prison work camp. They can’t keep us here much longer, though, I’m sure we’re leaving soon. Since I’ve got a minute, give me the Packers (-1) to beat the Vikings by two or more. Minnesota as a 13-win team who’s an underdog at home? Seems crazy, but that’s a trap game. Vegas wants you to overreact to it and bet the Vikes. They know what they’re doing. That’s why you don’t see casinos in old abandoned Walmarts. Thanks, and I hope it’s a good Christmas Eve for all of you.”

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“Hey guys! We took off and just landed at D/FW. Whew! That was a close one. We’re rolling in on the runway right now toward the gate, I’ve got an hour before my connecting flight so I should make it. Lucky break, right? Anyway, give me the Commanders (-4) to beat the Falcons by five points or more. I love the Michael Penix Jr. move for Atlanta but he got his first start against the Giants. That Giants team is the little black dress of the NFL, everyone looks good with them. This week will be different. Got to go so I can hurry off the plane to make my connection. Have a Merry Christmas, everybody!”

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“… Hey. Reid here. Again. We … uh … we are still on the plane, two hours later. I think I live here now. Can you send my paycheck to the D/FW runway, seat 13C? They say they’re backed up at the gates, so we just … drove around. You remember when you were a teenager and you just rode around your hometown on Saturday nights? That’s what we’re doing, except our town is a major metropolitan airport, and our car is … a frickin’ plane. I keep hoping we’d pull into a drive-through at least so we could get some fries, but we didn’t. I don’t know if I’m going to make my next flight, it keeps getting delayed too, but I don’t know … anything. I just don’t. (long pause) Raiders (-1) to beat the Saints by … more than one. What number is that? Dehydration has set in and I can’t think right now. You guys have a Merry…uh…a happy…uh…”

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“… (low muffled weeping)… ”

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“It’s Reid. I’m off the plane. After seven hours! And it’s a good thing, because the guy next to me was hogging the armrest and throwing elbows like Karl Malone in the paint. Made it to the gate for my connecting flight, it’s been delayed and looks pretty crowded but I think I’ll make it home for Christmas. Better late than never, right? Anyway, Chargers (-4) to beat the Patriots by five or more. I watched that New England game last week, and I haven’t seen play calls that bad since I was playing Madden in college on a Sega Genesis with my friend who didn’t believe in punting. Got to go, don’t want to miss the boarding announcement so I can finally get home. Merry Christmas everybody! Bye!”

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“Reid. Guys, I … uh … the plane … it’s, uh … no plane. Cancelled, I mean. It’s … (unintelligible). And no one is here, the airline reps vanished like it’s ‘Night of the Comet.’ People are really angry, we’re stuck here. We’ve formed a tribe, and a society, and we’re basing our new economy around neck pillows and little bags of peanuts. I’m not getting home for Christmas, or anywhere else. I feel like Tom Hanks in that movie where he lived in an airport terminal. What was the name of that? Can’t think of it right now. Please remind everyone that I’ve already gone 3-0 for the week and 2-1 against Vegas, so that makes me 70-36 and 49-57 against Vegas on the season. I’m not going to be able to file a column tonight, I’m going to see if I can find a hotel room to crash in and just try to fly out again tomorrow. Hope you’re all having a better Christmas than I am.”

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“Hey, it’s Reid. Local hotels are all booked. Can you guys check the internet and see if there’s a place in walking distance of D/FW that’s got Christmas Eve drink specials?”