JACK STALLARD

Editor’s note: This column was originally published in November 2022.

Thanksgiving arrives in just a few short days, which means the holiday season is officially upon us.

As joyful as this time of year is, it can also be stressful.

I suffered my first near-heart attack about 15 years ago when I approached the living room where my 6-year-old son Kyle was watching television and I heard the words, “She weighs more than 1,500 pounds, and it takes 15 men to hold her down.”

Turns out Kyle was watching the annual Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and they were talking about a float — not something that was going to prompt my lovely wife to get rid of cable forever — but it took me most of the day to recover.

There will always be a little stress associated with the holidays, because it’s human nature to want things to be perfect.

Perfection won’t happen, but I believe if we all follow a few simple rules it will at least make it less likely the day includes a visit from the local police department when someone finally snaps and a Mike Tyson vs. Plymouth “Rocky” Balboa fight breaks out in the living room.

1. Be nice. Don’t like the green bean casserole? Don’t eat it. Turkey is a little dry? Drown that sucker in aunt Velveeta’s special gravy. Two people brought the same kind of pie? Is that really a reason to bring up the fact if SOMEONE did a little less talking and a lot more listening, maybe SOMEONE could remember what was discussed a week ago?

2. Be smart. In every family, there are those who are blessed with culinary gifts, and anything they cook is a masterpiece to the eyes and taste buds.

Most families also have that one person who can’t boil water without ruining it. If you are that person, don’t use Thanksgiving Day to try out a new recipe.

If you’re not sure you’re that person, check the list handed out a week ago when the family meal was planned. If it says “ice and paper plates” by your name, step away from the stove.

3. Designate. If alcohol is served at your house on Thanksgiving Day, please designate a driver to make sure everyone gets home safely. But, for the safety of everyone at the gathering, please remember to also elect a Designated Peace Keeper (DPK).

A good DPK will notice uncle Buford the hunter is hitting the bottle a little heavier than usual and uncle Cleetus the animal rights activist has been looking at uncle Buford in a disapproving manner for a couple of hours.

The DPK will also remember that at the last family gathering, uncle Buford and uncle Cleetus ended up having a black eye discussion in the backyard after uncle Buford said he only hunted so the deer wouldn’t overpopulate and starve and uncle Cleetus suggested maybe the next time uncle Buford headed to the woods he should tote a bucket of food with him instead of a high-powered rifle.

The DPK should see this coming at least an hour before it happens and try to change the subject from guns and animals to something everyone can agree on.

Like how happy they are aunt Velveeta’s new romance novel “50 Shades of Gravy” is climbing the bestseller chart.

Try to have fun Thursday. Be tolerant of everyone who gathers to celebrate. You don’t have to be on the same page about every subject to have a good time, and you might as well make the most of it since you’re going to do it all again in a month.

At least there will be presents then.