Reid Kerr

We’re five weeks into the NFL season, and we’re already in a time of great distress and chaos, as we saw Thursday night when Kirk Cousins suddenly transformed into Joe Montana. Except Joe Montana never cost me money like Cousins has done consistently, for his entire career. In times like these, I find comfort in the reliability of simple math, so here’s some statistics from the season so far that calm my nerves.

$240 million — Total amount of Dak Prescott’s contract.

$241 million — Times Cowboys fans will bring that contract up if Dak doesn’t win a Super Bowl, Hall of Fame jacket, Employee of the Month plaque, Conn Smythe Trophy, Dundie, EGOT, and People’s Sexiest Man of the Year.

16% — The chance that whatever your favorite NFL team is, they’ve already replaced their starting quarterback from your preseason expectations.

43 — Times Tom Brady started to yell at someone on the field and stopped himself, just in case he unretires at halftime.

7 — Number of players already described as having “MVP seasons.”

1 — Instance of an NFL owner putting himself into his own Hall of Fame.

0 — Number of healthy Achilles tendons Christian McCaffery has.

4% — The chance your fantasy football team isn’t dealing with an injury right now.

238 — More plays already from Aaron Rodgers than he had last season.

8% — Percentage of my preseason predictions I still feel good about.

4,296 — Number of former NFL players who have their own weekly podcast.

0 — Touchdowns scored by the New York teams, who both played at MetLife Stadium last week. Zero is also the number of wins they earned, in a stat that’s not exactly coincidental.

71 — Number of times Bill Belichick has said something interesting in the last year, as opposed to the zero times prior to that dating back to 1991.

50% — Current winning percentage of the entire Harbaugh family.

101.4 — Andy Dalton’s quarterback rating.

Fatal Attraction — Movie that was number one when Andy Dalton was born.

1 — Number of punts by Washington in the last two weeks.

27 and 29 — The defensive rankings of the two teams Washington played, so let’s not go crazy yet.

5th — New York Jets rank in total division titles for the AFC East, which currently has four teams.

Time for my week five picks. Last week I went 5-1, but only 2-4 against the Vegas point spreads. In my defense, I underestimated how bad the Jaguars are, and have been pretty much consistently since the dawn of time. Lesson learned there. On the season, I’m now 15-12 and an atrocious 9-18 against Vegas. As always, these are for the purposes of comedic discussion only. No wagering.

Dallas (+2.5) at Pittsburgh: I’m expecting Russell Wilson to lobby to be a captain for this game, just so he can slip the Cowboys a resume during the coin flip.

Pick: Cowboys to win it outright.

Buffalo (-1) at Houston: Some people are calling this “The Stefon Diggs Bowl,” but honestly, if we’re going to make a big deal out of every time a good receiver returns to play the team who gave up on him, we’re not going to have much time for anything else. Odell Beckham Jr. alone will be responsible for about half of the season’s promos.

Pick: Bills to win and cover, winning by two or more points.

Las Vegas (+2.5) at Denver: So is DeVante Adams going to bookend a great career with a couple of years in the middle where he gets bored playing for the Raiders and has no production? Because in my neighborhood, we called that “Pulling a Randy Moss.”

Pick: Broncos to win but not cover, winning by two points or fewer.

Baltimore (-2.5) at Cincinnati: Derrick Henry is as unstoppable as Michael Myers, but a lot faster.

Pick: Ravens to win and cover, winning by three points or more.

NY Jets (+2) vs. Minnesota (in London): This is the Sam Darnold the Jets thought they were drafting in 2018. Or when they drafted Zach Wilson in 2021. Or Christian Hackenberg, Geno Smith, Mark Sanchez, or many many other players whose names have been withheld here to protect the awful.

Pick: Vikings to win and cover, winning by three points or more.

New Orleans (+5.5) at Kansas City: One more offensive injury and that KC huddle will look like one of those commercials where they only pay for Patrick Mahomes, and everybody else is just made up.

Pick: Chiefs to win but not cover, winning by five points or fewer.

I’ll also take the Patriots to beat the Dolphins, 49ers over the Cardinals, and the Yankees to beat the Padres in the World Series. Good luck, everybody.