Reid Kerr

Your unofficial official timeline for Super Bowl LVIII.

Feb. 11, 2024, 5 p.m., Central Time — CBS’s coverage begins with Frank Sinatra singing “My Way,” an homage to the legendary days of Las Vegas, which up until recently NFL executives were so adamant about staying away from, they wouldn’t even watch “The Hangover.”

5:23 p.m. — Jim Nantz tells us we’re watching the “YouTube TV Super Bowl Kickoff Show,” which reminds me to cancel YouTube TV tomorrow morning until the draft.

5:25 p.m. — Post Malone performs “America The Beautiful.” Taylor Swift appears on camera for about a second and a half, which is just enough time for America to lose its mind.

5:28 p.m. — Reba McEntire performs the National Anthem, while wearing a belt buckle large enough to either establish her as a 2013 Barrel Racing National Finalist, or one half of the world tag team champions.

5:32 p.m. — Just in case you didn’t have enough to gamble on at the Super Bowl, Rob Gronkowski misses a field goal for a betting app for the second straight year.

5:36 p.m. — The opening coin flip is heads. In honor of the game being in Las Vegas, the ceremonial coin is given to an 80-year-old woman from Des Moines named Gladys, who takes it to a Golden Girls slot machine and stays there for the next seven hours.

5:38 p.m. — A commercial airs for the new “Deadpool” movie, urging us to stop watching the game and go online to see the full trailer. That’s an odd thing for the NFL to endorse, and makes me wonder if the next commercial was sold at a discounted rate.

5:40 p.m. — Kickoff. One play in, and Brock Purdy is already referred to as “Mr. Irrelevant,” in regards to his draft position. Which as far as nicknames go, is definitely not a good brand. It’s nowhere near as awesome as “Joe Cool” or “Tom Terrific,” and just slightly better than “JaMarcus Russell 2.0.”

5:51 p.m. — A trailer airs for another Planet of the Apes movie, a franchise that has been in production since 1968, even though I’ve never met anyone who was all that excited about them.

6:04 p.m. — Following a second San Francisco punt, Kansas City also punts again. Las Vegas considers lowering the betting line on total points scored from 40 down to “four.”

6:20 p.m. — San Fran gets a field goal, which is promptly upstaged by a commercial for a sequel to “Twister” called “Twisters,” thus following the “Alien” school of sequel naming.

6:22 p.m. — CBS welcomes us back to Las Vegas and shows us the Nickelodeon coverage of the Super Bowl, where Spongebob is explaining to Patrick Star what a “point spread” is, and how vital it is for all the kids watching to root for the 49ers to win by three or more points today.

6:25 p.m. — Patrick Mahomes launches a deep pass to Mecole Hardman, who makes a great catch at the nine-yard line. Somewhere, an angry Kadarius Toney tries to change the channel and drops the remote, which then bounces into his neighbor’s hands and is returned for a touchdown.

6:29 p.m. — Travis Kelce confronts Andy Reid on the sideline about taking him out of the game. In a skybox, Taylor Swift begins writing a new song, titled “Throw My Boyfriend the Ball, or I’ll Have My Bodyguards Shave Your Mustache.” She insists it’s not autobiographical, but we all have our suspicions.

6:34 p.m. — A commercial airs for Oreos, encouraging people to twist the cookies open to make decisions. Or you could just flip a quarter and then eat it,the nutritional value is remarkably similar.

6:35 p.m. — Niners linebacker Dre Greenlaw gets injured running onto the field. Somewhere in Vegas, someone who made a prop bet that the 25-yard line would make a tackle cashes in a big ol’ pile of money.

6:50 p.m. — San Francisco runs a trick play, and gets a touchdown pass from receiver Jauan Jennings. The 49ers now have a double-digit lead, which based on previous Super Bowls, means the Chiefs really have them right where they want them.

6:52 p.m. — Another commercial airs for Jesus, who really seems to have upped his advertising budget for this year.

7:12 p.m. — Halftime, Niners lead 10-3. Commercials air for CBS prime time programming. If you’re already familiar with these shows, it may be time to consider giving up your land line.

7:23 p.m. — The Super Bowl halftime show begins, followed by America’s favorite pastime, complaining about the halftime show. That’s closely followed by this year’s second favorite, which is keeping an eye on Taylor Swift to make sure she doesn’t sneak onto the field at halftime and announce a Presidential bid, or a clothing line, or a cure for rust, or whatever it is people have been complaining about for the last two weeks.

7:33 p.m. — I think one of the street gangs from “The Warriors” just skated into the Super Bowl Halftime show.

7:40 p.m. — The halftime show ends. Usher’s target demographic enjoyed it. We appreciated the roller skates and live singing, but in all honesty, it’s been so long most of us can’t remember what we were supposed to turn down for anymore.

7:56 p.m. — Travis Kelce gets a catch, giving him two of those and one tackle. That’s a great stat line if you’re a guy off the practice squad playing special teams, and not so much if you’re famous enough to have won two Super Bowls and hosted Saturday Night Live.

8:03 p.m. — San Francisco 49ers receiver Deebo Samuel becomes the second player to go down with a non-contact injury, leading me to wonder if the ghost of Al Davis is wandering the stadium, causing injuries and turnovers to his former crosstown rival and a hated old-school divisional enemy, who are playing for a title in his house.

8:12 p.m. — The game stops for a minute, as Tony Romo says he thinks there’s a “partial streaker” on the field. Let that serve as a lesson to you, if people can’t tell if you’re completely naked, just save us all the trauma and keep your clothes on, Sasquatch.

8:23 p.m. — The 49ers fumble a punt, which is recovered by Usher, who is revealed to have been stuck on the field since halftime when his roller skates got wedged in the turf.

8:45 p.m. — CBS announces the online voting for MVP is now open, and the current leader is “Luda.”

9:20 p.m. — The Super Bowl goes to overtime, with a coin flip so confusing, Christopher Nolan announces he’s doing a movie about it.

9:34 p.m. — San Francisco gets a field goal on their first possession in overtime, which would have won a Super Bowl at any moment from the dawn of time up until this afternoon.

9:47 p.m. — Patrick Mahomes converts a fourth down, defuses a live bomb, saves a kitten from a tree, and then tunes Alicia Keys’ piano on his way to leading the Super-Bowl-winning drive and getting his third MVP award.

11:52 p.m. — Taylor Swift releases a new love song about the NFL Playoff Overtime Rules.

– Reid Kerr still doesn’t know who or what “Ice Spice” is, and he was too confused to ask the question properly. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.