Reid Kerr’s NFL New Year
Published 2:44 pm Friday, December 29, 2023
- Reid Kerr
By this point, dear reader, I hope you’ve had about all of the merry Christmas you can stand, and are ready for the second big holiday of the season.
When I’m watching football, I keep pretty extensive notes. Sometimes it’s something relevant like “Miami uses pre-snap motion better than anyone else in the league,” and sometimes it’s “Andy Reid looks like if he didn’t coach football, he could have been the mascot for a Midwest chain of donut shops in the late 70’s.”
So in the tradition of the new year, I’m starting over again for 2024. Which means this week, I’m clearing the decks with all of the random lines and jokes I wrote for 2023 that I haven’t had a chance to use yet.
My thoughts on the Russell Wilson trade for Seattle? Better than the Ricky Williams draft trade, not nearly as good as the Louisiana Purchase.
I am absolutely fascinated by the Bears in this offseason, because I have absolutely zero confidence this will work out for them, and I can’t wait to see what new ways they come up with to screw it up.
Before this season, I don’t remember the last time I was excited to watch a Texans game. Other than the times I bet a house payment against them, of course.
The Saints need a change across the board. The only thing worse than being awful is being mediocre, because that’s a quicksand trap you stumble into and then spend 10 years winning 6 to 9 games and never drafting high enough to change things. Clear the decks and start over, and don’t risk become Buffalo between Jim Kelly and Josh Allen.
Julio Jones is somehow still in the league. I like that, because it makes me think if I look deep enough at the rosters, I’ll find other guys I thought retired ago. Like maybe Herman Moore is still active, or I can pick up Harold Carmichael for my fantasy team.
Jarrett Stidham is the patron saint of benched quarterbacks. He did it last year for Derek Carr in Vegas, he’s doing it for Denver this year with Russell Wilson. If you have a guy you desperately don’t want to pay, Stidham can get you through the year, on his way to also getting cut in the offseason.
In college football, there is an Orange Bowl. Why isn’t there a Grape Bowl?
If you need a laugh, just Google why Green Bay suspended Jaire Alexander for this week’s game.
Baker Mayfield is sneaky good. He’s not what we thought he’d be coming out of college, but he’s a lot better than the narrative around him since he entered the league.
Being a Chargers fan is like being a fan of Gary Busey’s acting before his motorcycle wreck. Things should be better, but they aren’t, and they’re never going to be.
The Lions and Browns both have at least 10 wins for the first time in many years. Decades, even. In fact, this is a streak that may go back to the book of Revelations. I need to check and see if there’s a verse that says something like “When the mighty big cats and the brutes of bronze ascend to tenfold victories, the end is nigh.”
There’s one universal truth for college football fans. Everyone has one team they love, and a bunch of teams they absolutely hate.
Time for my picks. Last week, I went 3-3, and a sub-optimal 2-4 against the Vegas spread. In my defense, I made those picks while waiting in line to buy Christmas gifts somewhere between Tuesday and Friday. Lesson learned there. I’m now 60-38 on the season, and 47-46-4 against Vegas overall. As always, these are for the purposes of comedic discussion only. No wagering.
Detroit (+5.5) at Dallas: The last time the Lions won their division, the current one didn’t even exist yet.
Pick: Cowboys to win but not cover, winning by five or fewer points. And if Dallas doesn’t win this one, forget it.
Green Bay (+1) at Minnesota: I watch about 124 hours of NFL coverage every week, and I’ll make a confession here. I don’t have any idea who is playing quarterback for the Vikings this week. Nick Mullens? Daunte Culpepper? Tommy Kramer?
Pick: Packers to win it outright.
San Francisco (-12.5) at Washington: It might be a good week to cool it on the “Brock Purdy is your MVP” chants, I’m just saying.
Pick: 49ers to win and cover, winning by 13 or more points.
Cincinnati (+7) at Kansas City: For Christmas, I’m hoping Patrick Mahomes got all of his receivers a couple of gallon drums of stick-um.
Pick: Chiefs to win but not cover, winning by six or fewer points.
LA Rams (-5.5) at NY Giants: Looks like the Tommy Devito era lasted about as long as the fame of that “Pants on the Ground” guy.
Pick: Rams to win and cover, winning by six or more points.
Carolina (+6) at Jacksonville: I know the Panthers owner is very impatient with his team, but I think he should set reasonable goals in the offseason like “Let’s try and get at least $10 a ticket from now on.”
Pick: Jags to win but not cover, winning by five or fewer points.
I’ll also take the Texans over the Titans, Bucs over the Saints, and Alabama and Washington to play for the championship. Good luck, and happy new year, everybody.
Reid Kerr is tired of his out-of-town friends asking him if he’s seen “The Iron Claw.” You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.