Reid Kerr

Happy and merry and all sorts of well wishes, to you, dear reader. I hope you’re gearing up for a wonderful Christmas this week. As a public service announcement, it is way too late to do your Christmas shopping, so it’s probably a good idea just to let your loved ones know you’ll be getting their presents from the gas station again.

For my friends who are Cowboys fans, I wish you continued good health and exciting games, and for at least one playoff win because without it, the offseason will be insane again.

My Texans fan friends, don’t get greedy. You guys got your presents in the draft last year and like Cousin Eddie said, that’s the gift that keeps on giving the whole year long, and for the next four to five years, minimum.

My friends who are Saints fans, I wish for you … well, whatever you want from this season. You can either tank and get a better draft pick, or win a game or two and host a first-round playoff drubbing. Whichever you prefer, best of luck to you, and we’ll see you next year with another quarterback.

If any of my sportswriter friends are voters for the Most Valuable Player award, I wish for you the wisdom of the ages because this year, I have no idea who will win it. Every time I pick a favorite, the next week they lose by 20. I’m tired of jinxing guys, so I’m giving up.

For my friends who have teams that are already out of it, I wish for you continued losses and optimism your draft picks will work out, even though we all know even first-round picks are pretty much a coin flip. Sometimes you get Joe Burrow, sometimes you get JaMarcus Russell.

My buddies who are Steelers fans, I hope the Christmas season brings you the decision to hang on to Mike Tomlin. You’ve had three head coaches since the moon landing, don’t let having a roster that needs an enema turn you into the Panthers.

Speaking of, my friends who are Panther fans, have some eggnog. Gallons of it. I’ll send you an Uber.

And I have friends who are 49ers fans. I don’t know how, but I do, so I give you the gift of silence. There’s absolutely nothing I can say to you guys right now. The only trash talk I could possibly make to you is “You’re not going to win the MVP, because you have too many worthy candidates on your team.”

Time for my picks. Last week, I went 3-3, and a horrid 1-4-1 against the Vegas spread. In my defense, I made those picks while under the influence of some bad figgy pudding. Lesson learned there. I’m now 57-35 on the season, and 45-42-4 against Vegas overall. As always, these are for the purposes of comedic discussion only. No wagering.

Dallas (+1) at Miami: By Sunday night, one of these teams will have a big win over a winning team, but the other one will be the team everyone is talking about next week.

Pick: Cowboys to win it outright.

Cleveland (-2.5) at Houston: The triumphant return of Joe Flacco is a great story for the Browns, and the league. And also a horrible story, if you consider the NFL is down to 38 year-old fourth-string quarterbacks coming out of recliners and into the starting lineup.

Pick: Browns to win and cover, winning by three or more.

Washington (+3) at NY Jets: I’d say this game is the equivalent of getting coal in your stocking, except coal is actually useful. It’s more like opening your stocking and finding a severed foot in there.

Pick: Jets to win and cover, winning by four or more points.

Arizona (+4.5) at Chicago: I’ve checked with my contacts in the league office. Technically, the Cardinals playing the Bears does count as an NFL game.

Pick: Cardinals to win it outright.

Buffalo (-12.5) at LA Chargers: It’s a battle of contrasting styles. The Bills are a team nobody wants to play, and the Chargers are the absolute opposite of that.

Pick: Bills to win but not cover, winning by 12 or fewer points.

Baltimore (+5.0) at San Francisco: After Dallas and Philly, if the Ravens can’t do it, I don’t know what team is left to beat the 49ers. The Bills?The Dodgers? The Avengers?

Pick: 49ers to win and cover, winning by six or more points.

I’ll also take the Chiefs over the Raiders, Bucs over the Jaguars, and Christmas Day games over Christmas Eve ones. Good luck, everybody, and Merry Christmas to all.

Reid Kerr thinks the word “merry” is underused for the other eleven months of the year. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.