Reid Kerr

Happy Thanksgiving, dear reader. On this most family of all family holidays, I’m thankful for you guys. When I was working on TV, I remember we had a consultant who pulled me aside and told me solemnly that only 10% of the audience was going to get my jokes.

I was pretty happy since I thought that percentage was way lower, based on the number of stunned looks and rolled eyes I had experienced up to that point. So thank you all for getting the jokes all these years. Every year before the feast begins, I like to take a moment and be grateful.

To start with, I’m thankful that the Cowboys are good again. There’s a wide variety of reasons, but the general rule is the biggest one. If the Cowboys are good, the NFL is exciting. And Cowboys fans are the best kind of crazy and irrational, and that’s good for the league, whether they win the Super Bowl or flame out in the playoffs again.

I’m also thankful the Texans seem to have finally gotten it right. After a few years of having their front office full of unqualified schemers trying to pull off some kind of football Game of Thrones, it’s good to see a team built the right way for a change.

I’m happy we’re seeing the end of the Patriots dynasty. It just seems right that after two decades of being the gold standard, we finally get to see the revenge tour. Every other fanbase has had to go through this, it was time for New England to return to the pack and take their beatings like everyone else.

I’m thankful the NFL is playing early games overseas, so selfishly I can wake up and watch football before I have to put pants on.

I’m glad I’m not a serious Chargers fan, because that’s got to be disappointing. The Chargers have squandered potential on a level I haven’t seen since Guns N’ Roses, circa 1992.

I’m thankful I didn’t spend my life honing my athletic ability to become a running back, only to see the sorry state of NFL contracts these days. This isn’t a big one, anybody who ever saw me run with or without a football knew pro sports just wasn’t going to be a job opportunity for me, and I was going to wind up working in the field of applied sarcasm.

I’m glad the Washington franchise was finally sold. And also glad that even with new ownership, they still suck.

I’m thankful for the Manning family, and their approach to making money off football without getting tackled.

I’m thankful the Raiders finally made some changes. And I’m hopeful the Josh McDaniels firing will once and for all prove that Bill Belichick’s assistant coaches have a track record like Motley Crue.

I’m happy I can detest Deshaun Watson. Every good story needs a villain, and this one works pretty well.

I’m glad the Broncos are better. I’m not sure why, but I am.

I’m glad I’m not running the Bears. They’ve got a ton of options, and history shows they’re going to make the wrong choices on about two-thirds of those.

And finally, I’m thankful I didn’t buy Buffalo Bills Super Bowl merch. I love my Bills, but they disappoint me more often than Temu orders.

Time for my Thanksgiving picks. Last week, I went 5-1 and 5-1 against the Vegas spread. In my defense, I’ve spent the entire season underestimating how much I’ve overestimated the Jets. Lesson learned there. I’m now 41-26 on the season, and 36-27-3 against Vegas overall. As always, these are for the purposes of comedic discussion only. No wagering.

Green Bay (+7.5) at Detroit: This is the first time ever that the Lions have the best record of any team playing on Thanksgiving. Feel free to work that nugget of trivia into conversation while you’re all sitting around waiting for the turkey to finish cooking, which should happen somewhere around Saturday.

Pick: Lions to win but not cover, winning by seven or fewer points.

Washington (+10.5) at Dallas: The Commanders can take heart to know that whatever happens in this game, at least they’ll be able to shower when it’s all over.

Pick: Cowboys to win but not cover, winning by 10 or fewer points.

San Francisco (-6.5) at Seattle: Brock Purdy having a perfect quarterback rating is like saying “The Golden Bachelor” is the top show on television. It may be technically true, but it says way more about the general state of things than we care to consider.

Pick: 49ers to win and cover, winning by seven or more.

Miami (-9.5) at NY Jets: The big question is why did the Jets demote Zach Wilson to third-string? The answer? Because they don’t have a seventh-string.

Pick: Dolphins to win but not cover, winning by nine or fewer.

I’ll also take rolls over biscuits, ham over turkey, and stuffing over dressing. Good luck, and happy Thanksgiving everybody.

Reid Kerr is glad his broadcasting career never had him doing play-by-play for parades. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.