Reid Kerr

Your unofficial official timeline for Super Bowl LVII.

Jan. 29, 2023: The Eagles advance to the Super Bowl with a win over a 49ers team down to their 17th-string quarterback. In the afternoon game, the Chiefs overcome the Bengals in a game with officiating so bad, it’s quite possible one of the refs was actually that “Quantum Leap” guy.

Feb. 12, 2023, 2 p.m. Central Time: The gates open, and the long and laborious process of frisking Philly fans for throwable items begins. By game time, security will have confiscated enough batteries to power the Mars Lander.

3:20 p.m.: On the pregame show, Jason DeRulo performs a song accompanied by robot dogs, where the chorus is just him chanting the days of the week, like he’s trying to reach out to whatever was in those UFO’s this week and teach them our language.

5:01 p.m.: The “Super Bowl YouTube TV PrekickShow” officially begins, which reminds me to turn off YouTube TV in the morning until next season. Thanks, YouTube!

5:10 p.m.: Philly fans boo the Walter Payton Man of the Year, Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott. No offense to Dak, that’s just how Eagles fans warm up for a big game.

5:29 p.m.: Chris Stapleton sings the national anthem. As he finishes, somewhere in the stadium, Donna Kelce silently decides which of her children she loves more.

5:40 p.m.: A commercial airs for Turbo Tax with the slogan “Don’t do your taxes.” Somewhere Wesley Snipes is angry he didn’t get this endorsement deal.

5:44 p.m.: Super Bowl LVII begins, brought to you by movies about people fighting dinosaurs, fighting robot Transformers, and fighting bears high on cocaine. We are truly living in a Golden Age of cinema, my friends.

5:51 p.m.: The Eagles score on their first drive, taking a 7-0 lead.

5:56 p.m.: A commercial airs for the new Fast and Furious movie, which appears to star literally everyone you’ve ever heard of including nine super-heroes, four Oscar winners, two guys who hang around with Transformers, the Transporter, and someone from the Electric Company.

6:01 p.m.: The Chiefs tie the score, 7-7.

6:12 p.m.: Cher from Clueless and Derek Zoolander both appear in commercials, leading me to dream of a crossover movie where a surly Harrison Ford puts on the Indy hat one more time and bullwhips them both after trying to have a conversation with them.

6:17 p.m.: A Harrison Butker field goal attempt misses when it bounces off the upright and downs a Chinese weather balloon.

6:24 p.m.: The first quarter ends with a tie game, brought to you by Batman, Jesus, and cheddar cheese.

6:39 p.m.: Jalen Hurts gets momentarily confused as to why Michael Keaton is playing Batman again and drops the ball, which the Chiefs return for a touchdown.

7:09 p.m.: Devonta Smith appears to make a juggling catch for the Eagles. In a promotional tie-in, Natasha Lyonne from “Poker Face” is brought in to confirm the call is a lie.

7:18 p.m.: The first half ends with the Eagles leading 24-14, Mahomes reinjured, and Philly fans feeling good.

7:24 p.m.: A commercial airs where Peyton Manning becomes the new voice of Bush’s Beans. The Manning brothers are even taking commercial endorsements away from dogs now.

7:29 p.m.: The halftime show begins.

7:30 p.m.: People begin complaining online about the halftime show.

7:32 p.m.: Rihanna sings the lyrics “We found love in a hopeless place,” which I can only assume is the Cleveland Browns locker room.

7:50 p.m.: The second half begins, with so many slips and falls that it appears to be played on a freshly buttered field.

8 p.m.: A week after LeBron James says he feels like the greatest basketball player of all time, a commercial airs where Michael Jordan gets an entire movie just about him getting his shoe deal.

8:15 p.m.: A commercial airs for a charity attempting to provide financial relief for everyone who invested after seeing last year’s Super Bowl crypto commercials.

8:29 p.m.: As we go to the fourth quarter, that horrible paint job on the field officially becomes the game’s leading tackler.

8:43 p.m.: The Chiefs get a touchdown, a huge punt return and another touchdown, and take a 35-27 lead, followed by the Eagles scoring to tie the game.

9:06 p.m.: A commercial airs where the band U2 seems to be playing in a sphere floating in the sky, which makes me wonder if this last week we’ve been sending fighter jets to shoot down unauthorized concerts of the “Achtung Baby” album.

9:06 p.m.: On a third-down call, the refs throw a penalty flag on the Eagles. Philly fans move from throwing C batteries up to Diehards.

9:13 p.m.: The Chiefs take the lead 38-35, and two plays later, win the Super Bowl. Mahomes is the MVP. The Kelce brothers share a touching moment on the field that will definitely be on their podcast.

Feb. 16, 2023: Aaron Rodgers emerges from his four-day darkness retreat and sees his shadow, indicating 17 more games of Packers frustration.

Reid Kerr thinks his phone should have a setting that keeps it from taking an accidental low-angle picture of him, where he looks like Honey Boo Boo’s mom from 2011.You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.