The National Football League is rigged.

I didn’t want to believe it when conspiracy theories began circulating after all of the stars aligned during the playoffs to bring us a Philadelphia Eagles vs. Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl this weekend.

But looking back, it did seem a little too perfect.

We have two quarterbacks who battled through serious injuries — Patrick Mahomes and his ankle and Jalen Hurts and his shoulder — to get their teams to the big game.

We have a coach (Andy Reid) who was fired by the Eagles and hired by the Chiefs, and he promptly fires a guy (Nick Sirianni) who would eventually coach against him in a Super Bowl.

We have two brothers — tight end Travis Kelce of the Chiefs and offensive lineman Jason Kelce of the Eagles — scheduled to suit up for opposing teams for the first time in the history of the Super Bowl.

Despite all of these amazing story lines that just seemed to materialize for the NFL’s biggest game, I didn’t believe the fix was in until I got a tip from a man who called himself “Tac Zaylor.”

Zaylor assured me he was not Cincinnati Bengals coach Zac Taylor, who was furious after officials gave the Chiefs a “do over” on a crucial third down in the AFC Championship Game two weeks ago. He also told me where I could find the script for Sunday’s Super Bowl.

I was stunned, and as much as I hate to ruin the game for fans, it’s my duty as a journalist to report what I found.

Here are some highlights:

5:25 p.m.: Country music mega star Chris Stapleton sings the National Anthem, followed by Babyface performing “America the Beautiful.” NOTE: Someone please remind Mr. Stapleton any “accidental” wardrobe malfunctions will happen only at halftime. Also, someone please tell Mr. Babyface he’s 64 and needs a new name.

5:38 p.m.: Mahomes throws his first touchdown pass of the game, a 57-yard strike to Travis Kelce. Before the play, Mahomes will put on a blindfold to make the play more difficult. NOTE: The referees will not be blindfolded. It will only seem that way when they elect not to throw flags on any of the three offensive linemen tackling defensive players.

6 p.m.: Hurts scores his first touchdown of the game, a 1-yard run on fourth-and-goal after he takes the snap and is shoved from behind by a fullback, a running back, three offensive linemen and a guy named Jim who won a Philly radio contest that included two tickets to the game, free beer and bail money to get him out of jail for entering the playing field illegally.

7:15 p.m.: Mahomes, limping noticeably after being sacked on the previous play, throws a 62-yard touchdown pass to Travis Kelce to give the Chiefs a 21-17 halftime lead. NOTE: Mahomes, a righty, will throw the pass left-handed. Why? Because he can.

7:25 p.m.: Halftime show featuring Rhianna. NOTE: Please remind marketing it’s not too early to check with Wayne Newton about next year’s Super Bowl in Las Vegas, and go ahead and talk to Harry Connick Jr. about the 2025 Super Bowl in New Orleans.

8:22 p.m.: Hurts is injured scoring on a 1-yard touchdown run. The injury occurs when Eagle offensive lineman Jason Kelce, tired of watching his brother celebrate touchdowns, shoves Hurts across the goal line, and then spikes the ball without removing it from the quarterback’s hands. NOTE: Maybe this brother vs. brother rivalry wasn’t our best idea.

8:48 p.m.: Trailing 24-21 with 20 seconds remaining, Mahomes throws his fourth touchdown pass of the game — again to Travis Kelce. NOTE: For dramatic effect, make sure the camera focuses on Mahomes’ crutches falling to the turf as he unleashes the pass.

8:51 p.m.: Game ends on the ensuing kickoff when the Eagles try several laterals, the final one going to Jim, who somehow escapes police custody and stumbles back to the field in time to fumble away the Eagles’ chances as time expires. NOTE: Make sure the check written for this year’s security team bounces.

There you have it. Hope I didn’t spoil your Super Bowl party, but look on the bright side. At least now we know why the Cowboys haven’t sniffed a Super Bowl in three decades.

It’s not Jerry’s fault. It’s simply not in the script.