Reid Kerr

Dear readers, I am officially so far behind on my Christmas shopping that I am seriously considering giving my loved ones gum. Every year I try and come up with the perfect gifts for not only family and friends, but also those less fortunate.

And so, here’s my annual list of Christmas gifts for the NFL.

For the Cowboys, luggage. That loss to the Jaguars last week almost ensures they’re going to be on the road throughout the playoffs, no matter what happens this week.

For Texans coach Lovie Smith, a chance to keep coaching. I know he’s only one year into his five-year deal, but he has a horrible team playing hard every week. I’m not saying a win-and-a-half in 14 games is anything to trumpet to the skies, but the chaos of this team needed a lighthouse, and Lovie has been just that.

For Tom Brady, some Tums. Or Maalox. Or a bottle of whiskey, whatever it takes to calm him down and realize he’s not going to be able to will a mid-talent team to a 10-win season any more.

For Jacksonville, a playoff spot and the excitement that goes with a young team finally getting there. This also counts as a gift for me, since every year I pick the Jags to be better and they never are.

For the league, some kind of reliable officiating. Whether that’s through instant replay, a live Sky Judge, or just putting 12 more officials on the field at all times, the NFL has got to get this one sorted out, especially if they’re counting on all the gambling and daily fantasy money to come in.

For fans, another Bills-Chiefs playoff matchup. Or one of those against the Bengals. Or anybody against the Chargers. That AFC is going to be madcap come playoff time.

For San Francisco, the kind of utter insanity that comes with a playoff run led by your third-string quarterback. Serenity now, and insanity later.

For the Lions, a playoff season. The last time they won a postseason game, they beat a not-yet-Super-Bowl-winning-quarterback named Troy Aikman. It’s good for the league that they’ve got a shot this year.

For Broncos fans, a reset button.

And for Sunday Night Football fans, a mute button. I don’t understand why you guys all seem to hate Cris Collinsworth, but it seems like that burning loathing is definitely there.

On to the picks. Last week I went 5-3 straight up, and 4-5 against the Vegas spread. In my defense, I feel like picking the Raiders to win by saying they were “just good enough to ruin other people’s seasons” was so accurate, it should count twice. Lesson learned there. I’m now 57-37-1, and 43-51-2 against Vegas. As always, my picks are for the purposes of comedic discussion only. No wagering.

It’s another crazy 72-hour holiday weekend of football, including a Christmas Day triple-header that looks to be about as much fun as a bag of dirt. I’m going deep into the count again this week in hopes of playing some catch-up.

Philadelphia (+6) at Dallas: This is about as big a game as you can possibly have that is 90% certain to be ultimately meaningless.

Pick: Eagles to win but not cover, winning by five or fewer. Minshew dedicates the win to Mike Leach in a tearful postgame press conference.

Houston (+3) at Tennessee: I see this as a game where neither team is the Oilers, and that’s just a shame.

Pick: Titans to win and cover, winning by four or more.

NY Giants (+4) at Minnesota: The Vikings are an 11-win team that has outscored their opponents by two points. That mathematical anomaly seems like the kind of thing that will end heartbreakingly.

Pick: Giants to win it outright.

Cincinnati (-3) at New England: If you had asked me to guess which team would have lost a game on their own ill-advised lateral, I would have started with the Jets and worked my way through the entire league before I got to the Patriots.

Pick: Bengals to win and cover, winning by four or more.

Green Bay (+4) at Miami: The big news this week was Aaron Rodgers is sarcastic to his rookie receivers. I believe that story was initially broken on the website OfCourseHeDidHesThatWayToEverybody.com.

Pick: Dolphins to win and cover, winning by five or more.

Denver (-2.5) at LA Rams: This is a matchup between two teams who wrote the book on winning the Super Bowl and then absolutely stinking the joint up since that point.

Pick: Broncos to win and cover, winning by three or more.

Tampa Bay (-7.5) at Arizona: The Buccaneers being favored by more than a touchdown over anybody right now is sufficient proof to make a case for contraction. The Cardinals might need to drop into the Pac-12 for a while.

Pick: Bucs to win but not cover, winning by seven or fewer.

LA Chargers (-4.5) at Indianapolis: The Jeff Saturday experiment ended last Saturday, whether anyone wants to admit it or not. And how has former Super Bowl MVP Nick Foles been sitting on the bench there so long I forgot he was in the league?

Pick: Chargers to win and cover, winning by five or more.

I’ll also take the Ravens over the Falcons, Chiefs over the Seahawks, and the Sunday Ticket over actual Sunday tickets. Good luck, everybody.

Reid Kerr misses Franco Harris already. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.