Reid Kerr

Guys, I don’t have time for this.

I’m so far behind on Christmas that I still haven’t finished cooking my Thanksgiving turkey. I somehow still have pumpkins up, which I’m trying to assure my family are just my “New Year’s Gourds,” to give myself another couple of weeks to get them down.

I barely had time to watch the Monday game, and wonder of we’ve seen the last of Kliff Kingsbury in Arizona. Then I only had time to watch most of the Thursday game, and wonder if literally anyone could quarterback the 49ers to wins with that defense.

And then I caught my hometown winning their ninth state football championship on Friday. I’d just like to point out that Carthage never won a state title when I was a student there, nor did they when I was on the radio there for about a decade. Carthage has definitely benefitted from my absence, much like all of my wives have.

So now I’ve got this column to write, and I’ve got a big weekend ahead. I have to go out and get gifts for friends and family, many of whom I’m not even sure like me. Then I have to shop for groceries and as per my wife’s instructions, buy a “ham big enough that the leftovers will last through Valentine’s Day.” After that for fun, I plan to put on a red polo shirt and khakis and just walk around Target, telling people “oh, we have that in the back” and giving them incorrect instructions on where to find other things. Last year I got a guy to go all the way to the parking lot looking for a PlayStation 5 I told him was in the shopping cart return stall.

Eh, it’s a holiday hobby.

So anyway, things at the sports desk are hectic. Let’s just get to the picks. Last week I went 4-2 straight up, and 3-3 against the Vegas spread. In my defense, I underestimated Detroit, which is something I’ve been doing since the first time I watched “Robocop.” Lesson learned there. I’m now 52-34-1, and 39-46-2 against Vegas. As always, my picks are for the purposes of comedic discussion only. No wagering.

It’s a 72-hour holiday weekend of football, so we’re going heavy this week in hopes of playing some catch-up.

Indianapolis (+3.5) at Minnesota: Colts interim coach Jeff Saturday has said he wants the full-time job. I have said I want my college-era stomach and muscle tone back. However, in all honesty neither one of us has really put in the work to deserve those rewards.

Pick: Vikings to win and cover, winning by four or more.

Baltimore (+3) at Cleveland: A public service announcement, rooting against the Browns here is not only good for society, it’s also good for Houston.

Pick: Ravens to win it outright.

Miami (+7) at Buffalo: Dolphins quarterback Tua Tagovailova downplayed the game conditions this week saying “It snows in Alabama.” Tua apparently did not take a class on Comparative Meteorology at Bama, because the difference between snow in Buffalo and snow in Tuscaloosa is like the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing it.

Pick: I don’t pick Bills games, but if I did I’d take the Bills to win and cover.

Dallas (-4) at Jacksonville: Cowboys fans upset because they didn’t beat the Texans by more points need to realize the NFL is a league based on parity, and not the first two weeks of an SEC team’s schedule. The Texans aren’t good, but they’re certainly not “Week One Alabama vs. Middle Tennessee Body and Fender” bad.

Pick: Cowboys to win and cover, winning by five or more.

Detroit (-1.5) at NY Jets: Between the Lions pushing for a playoff spot and Zach Wilson getting one more chance to start in New York, this game has somehow become a possible redemption story for everyone involved.

Pick: Lions to win and cover, winning by two or more.

Arizona (+3) at Denver: This game is the football equivalent of the unwanted visit from Cousin Eddie in his RV.

Pick: Cardinals to win it outright.

New England (+1) at Las Vegas: The Raiders are just good enough to ruin other people’s seasons.

Pick: Raiders to win and cover, winning by two or more.

Pittsburgh (+3) at Carolina: Steelers fans pushing for Mike Tomlin to be fired need to understand that if that happens, he’ll have a new job before they finish the press conference announcing it.

Pick: Panthers to win and cover, winning by four or more.

Cincinnati (-3.5) at Tampa Bay: Tom Brady wouldn’t retire when his Patriots contract was up. Nor when he won a Super Bowl in Tampa. Or when his family wanted him to, and he’s not going to after this struggle of a season. Which leads to the question, what would make Brady retire? Being benched? A meteor strike? Male pattern baldness?

Pick: Bengals to win and cover, winning by four or more.

I’ll also take the Chiefs over the Texans, Commanders over the Giants, and my fantasy team over the entire NFC South. Good luck, everybody.

Reid Kerr always finds “Santa Baby” to be a very creepy Christmas sentiment. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.