Dawn-Renee Rice

My kids grew up thinking my love was conditioned upon good behavior rather than just being themselves, which led to estrangement with all three kids at various times in adulthood. I didn’t know then what I know now after raising my grandsons, who thrived in a more positive and accepting environment once I learned that love should be unconditional.

You’d think I would have already known to parent that way, but honestly, most of us don’t. For generations, we’ve parented with punitive parenting, expecting certain good behaviors from children only if and when they act a certain way. So, we’ve been conditioned to believe that’s the “right way” to parent.

We’ve used time-outs, which cause children to feel ignored, unheard, unseen and unloved. We’ve yelled at and spoken to our children disrespectfully when they make mistakes, causing low self-esteem, anxiety and depression. We’ve spanked, which after decades of study, the research now shows it’s harmful to a child’s developing brain and psyche.

These punitive parenting strategies have backfired, leading us to a society with rising crime, mental health issues, and suicides amongst young people. If you doubt me, do an internet search and you’ll find plenty of research to back up this claim.

The way I see things if teachers can get their kids to cooperate in the classroom without spanking, yelling and being disrespectful, so can parents. I’m sure I’ll catch some flak for this belief, but that’s okay. I’m willing to die on this hill, having been a former punitive parent and now a conscious connected one.

The thing is, children deserve to be heard and seen, and their emotions validated. It doesn’t mean that you allow misbehavior with conscious, connected parenting. Many parents I speak with and guide have this misconception at first.

It means you are still supporting your child even in their most challenging moments, disciplining them with love and firm boundaries, and allowing them to learn from their mistakes, so they make better ones the next time. It’s about being a team facing problems together, not viewing each other as the problem.

With Christmas this month, too often, I see parents who use presents or the lack of them as a form of discipline, when in fact, it’s manipulation and control. I’ve seen numerous videos on TikTok and Instagram showing parents pretending to throw presents in the fireplace, or the trash, to elicit good behavior. And don’t even get me started on Elf on the Shelf.

If you feel compelled to use these tactics, I implore you: please don’t. It’s a form of emotional abuse. Using fear, control and manipulation to get your kids to listen and behave will undoubtedly get you short-term results. They’ll possibly cooperate and be on their best behavior, but not for the reasons you truly want.

Sure, children will “be good” to keep from being punished, but will find new, different, and sneakier ways to break the rules, especially as tweens and teens. And something else to consider: using that strategy will backfire with some children who will quickly think, “Why should I be good when they’re just going to take my presents away, or my phone, gaming system, etc.? I might as well do what I want anyway.” How do I know? Not only does the research show this to be accurate, but I experienced this myself as a punitive parent.

When nothing seems to work, it’s time to consider a different approach, am I right? If any of these examples sound like your home, and you’re ready to make some changes but don’t know where to begin, I have several suggestions. First, start with stopping. Stop to breathe and think before you react to regulate your nervous system and respond with connection.

Then go shopping and gift yourself the books No-Drama Discipline by Drs. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, How to Talk so Kids will Listen (for ages 7+) by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen (for ages 2-7) by Joanna Faber and Julie King. And of course, you can join my email subscription list at linktree.com/dawnreneerice for guidance, tips, and strategies to become a more conscious, connected parent.

Regardless of their behavior, no child deserves to go without at Christmas. It teaches your child your love is conditional. Am I asking you to be a perfect parent? Absolutely not, because none exist. I’m definitely not a perfect parent (insert laugh emoji here). But I ask that you consider a more effective parenting approach, one with a foundation of love, compassion, and respect.

By giving respect, we receive respect, and when we’re compassionate, we receive compassion. By being empathetic, we receive empathy, and when we’re patient, we receive patience. By being kind, we receive kindness. And by being love, we receive love.

Our kids should always know and feel that no matter what mistakes they make, they are loved. We all deserve unconditional love, especially from our family, but more importantly, from our parents. So, think about giving your children the gift of unconditional love this year, no matter their age.

Remember, the real reason for the season is Jesus Christ. He came as a baby to this earth and grew into a man who showed us the ultimate gift: unconditional love with his sacrifice on the cross.

“‘Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?’ Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”