Thomas McClary -- a New York Jet or a guitarist for The Commodores?

 

 

 

The NFL preseason rolls on, and this onslaught of scrimmage-level football may be causing me to lose my mind. Dear readers, this week I watched a Rams preseason game. Twice. I priced a Bills Sammy Watkins jersey on clearance. I almost got into a fistfight with a stranger at the grocery store about whether Leonard Fournette could win the rushing title as a rookie, and I honestly can’t remember whether I was arguing for it or against it.

To steady myself, I keep falling back on the things I know, and I’m absolutely sure of. Here are the bets I would make right now, if only I could find someone to give me their money.

1) Dallas won’t miss Ezekiel Elliott that much. Zeke’s rookie season was absolutely fantastic, don’t get me wrong. Getting 1,631 yards is outstanding, but Dallas can fill in with Alfred Morris and Darren McFadden, and won’t miss much running behind that offensive line. Besides, no one thinks Elliott’s suspension will stay the full six games, and hopefully, it’ll be his last.

2) Houston will make a quarterback change. I know this, because the one constant in the history of the Texans franchise is quarterback chaos. Tom Savage was a better choice than Brock Osweiler last season, but then again so was “any journeyman” and “drinking heavily.” Deshaun Watson is already impressing in his first preseason, and the safe money is on it just being a matter of time before he takes over. And regardless of Savage and Watson, if Brandon Weeden has to play, this team should seriously consider punting on second down.

3) No one will ever trade up to draft a kicker again. Tampa Bay traded two picks to move up to the second round and grab Roberto Aguayo last year, and he responded with a rookie year where he was about as accurate as a lawn dart. They cut him, and that’s the kind of move that stays with a general manager. For at least a generation no one will draft a kicker early, and certainly no one will give up resources to pick one. Kickers are like umbrellas. Just take one. If you don’t like it, drop it and grab another.

4) Jacksonville is doomed. I really thought the Jaguars were a team on the rise two seasons ago. I was wrong. I thought they could aspire to mediocrity last year. Snake-eyes again, as they somehow got worse. Two preseason games in and Blake Bortles has regressed from “needs help with mechanics” to “not sure if he’s ever seen a football,” and Chad Henne isn’t much better because he’s still Chad Henne. Their best option at quarterback might not even be on the roster right now. Heck, it might be you, and you don’t even know it yet. If you get a call from the 904 area code, answer it.

5) I was wrong about Ryan Mallett. I’m not alone, but I just knew this kid was going to make it. Every year when I look at the NFL Draft, I am overwhelmed by how wrong we all can be. Although I should know by now, since that’s what all of my wives have told me.

6) The New York Jets are a bottom-three team. Admittedly, it’s going to be a tough division to bottom out in because Buffalo is a Big Lots right now, but still the Jets are appallingly talent-poor. The Jets top three receivers currently are Robby Anderson, Charone Peake and Thomas McClary. And you know how I know that’s an awful group? Because one of those guys isn’t a wide receiver. One of them was the guitarist for The Commodores and you didn’t even notice, because no one knows these guys.

7) LaVeon Bell is killing my favorite team. Not the Steelers, my fantasy football team. The Steelers have decent backups at least. Meanwhile, I’m stuck deciding whether or not to keep a guy who refuses to sign a contract and is going to show up the day before the season starts and work his way into shape, sort of like when I finally start working out on Wednesday for a weekend trip to the beach.

 

Reid Kerr talks a lot, as his wife always reminds him. Reid’s second book, “I Hate It Here: A Love Story,” is out now on Amazon.com. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.