AP

 

It’s Friday the Thirteenth, so perhaps we should talk about science, instead of superstition. Our federal government is doing all it can to answer some important scientific questions, such as, do monkeys have a musical preference? And do drunk birds slur when they sing?

Sen. Jeff Flake, R-Ariz., has released a report titled, “Twenty Questions: Profiles in Federally Funded Science.”

“At a time when the Obama administration is pleading for more money to fight the Zika virus, repair water pipes in Flint, Michigan, and combat the growing opioid epidemic, the ridiculous research projects suggest there’s plenty of room to save money already in the budget, Mr. Flake said,” the Washington Times reports. “Unnecessary projects included the $50,000 for researchers who studied femininity and masculinity in members of Congress. The National Science Foundation paid the University of California, Los Angeles to conclude that Republican women are feminine and Democratic women are not.”

These seem like frivolous matters, and they are. But they also represent something more serious – the inability of Washington to prioritize.

“Dr. Francis Collins, the widely respected director of the prestigious National Institutes of Health, recently claimed ‘stagnant spending has slowed down research on all items,’ specifically vaccines and treatments for diseases like Ebola,” Flake reports.

“Frankly, if we had not gone through our 10-year slide in research support, we probably would have had a vaccine in time for this that would’ve gone through clinical trials and would have been ready,” Collins contends.

That’s why it’s frustrating that Washington is funding research into musical monkeys.

“The National Institutes of Health (NIH) has conducted numerous studies over the past decade to determine the musical preferences of non-human primates, even going so far as to have music composed specifically to suit the taste of tamarins,” Flake writes. “The studies found that most primates do not like popular Western music, with one exception – the heavy metal sounds of the rock band Metallica.”

Science can tell us now, with certainty, that monkeys are headbangers – but not why.

Science can also tell us that birds slur when they’re drunk.

“The project examined the impact of alcohol on the speech impairment of birds was conducted by the Oregon Health & Science University with funding provided from three separate NIH grants totaling more than $5 million,” Flake notes. “The birds in the study, zebra finches, were served and mixed drinks made of white grape juice and ethanol. The cocktails had about 6 percent alcohol concentration, similar to many commercial beers.”

What did researchers find? The songs of drunk birds are “a bit quieter and just a little slurred, or as Olson puts it, ‘a bit less organized in their sound production’ – like a roommate calling from a bar to get a ride home.”

Scientists noted that some of the birds developed drinking habits that went from “risky” to borderline “binge-drinking.”

These kinds of studies bring into question Washington’s judgment, Flake said.

“But more than anything, I hope (this report) makes these agencies think,” he said. “We have limited resources. Let’s put them to best use.”