King of Queens

Reid Kerr about Super Bowl LIII: Any game where mid-third quarter, you start idly wondering if “King of Queens” is on Netflix is not a good football game. 

We’ve had about two weeks now to decompress after a Super Bowl so boring that even Tony Romo seemed to calm down while watching it. We’ve got a month or so before free agency begins, and a whole lot of veterans get cut and find out their contracts are worth about as much as a Waffle House menu. It seems like a good time to wrap up the whole season, and put it behind us. 

Question: Was that really a bad Super Bowl?

Answer: Yes. I know some media folks have tried to frame the game as a masterpiece of defensive adjustments, but come on. Any game where mid-third quarter, you start idly wondering if “King of Queens” is on Netflix is not a good football game. 

Spoiler Alert: It’s not, by the way. Get on the ball, Netflix. 

The Patriots had a great game plan to win the Super Bowl, but that doesn’t mean it was pleasant to sit through. It reminded me of the old Neutral Zone Trap of the late 90’s in hockey, where the whole object of the game was to make it unwatchable. 

Still, when we look at the legacy of the Patriots, we won’t remember this actual game, only the result. And we won’t be able to fully sum up that legacy until Tom Brady retires some time in the next 20 years. 

Q: Can the Rams bounce back from the Super Bowl loss?

A: Yes, they could. But I wouldn’t bet on it. The Rams got exposed in a lot of ways in this game. Their offense was completely muddied up, their defense got shredded by a short slot receiver, and their coaching staff got schooled. They even got humiliated by the greater Patriots crowd at the Super Bowl, and their own fans not bothering to watch the game in Los Angeles. 

The Rams have the look of a team that’s about to fall off, just like Todd Gurley’s production. 

Q: Who should play the Super Bowl halftime next year?

A: It doesn’t matter. America’s favorite pastime isn’t sports, it’s dumping on the Super Bowl Halftime show. I say next year they just replay the halftime show Prince did in 2007, and we all just agree it was awesome. 

Q: Will the NFL change replay to prevent another catastrophe like in the Saints-Rams game?

A: No.

Q: Oh, come on!

A: Sorry, Saints fans. I feel your pain. I’m still angry and resentful over the forward lateral that was the so-called Music City Miracle. But the NFL doesn’t want to open the proverbial can of worms here and admit their referees are mere mortals, and not able to keep up with the superhuman speeds at which the average NFL play unfolds. 

Expect a lot of talk in the offseason, followed by absolutely nothing happening. Pretend you’re watching CSPAN if that helps, but don’t expect the NFL to fix anything that would cause games to slow down, and them to admit their own fallibility. 

Q: What’s next for the Cowboys? Will Jason Garrett get a contract extension?

A: Not this offseason, no. Jerry Jones loves Garrett, but he knows that by the luck of the draw, the Cowboys have the great young core of a playoff team. Things came together for the Cowboys last season literally one more loss from falling apart completely, and Jones wisely wants to see what comes next before he commits to a long-term deal that takes Dallas out of the market for Sean Payton, or any other already-proven coach. 

Jason Garrett has a good record at first glance, but Cowboys opponents said they knew what was coming in different games last year, including the playoff loss. Garrett has no coaching tree, and is never mentioned when the subject of coaches who might be on the market comes up. 

If Garrett can take this team to an NFC Championship, he’ll get a long-term deal. If not, it’s time for a change before they wind up in Marvin Lewis territory. 

Q: How about the Texans?

A: I think there must be a “Luv Ya Blue Curse” placed on Houston football, perhaps by a shaman who still bears a grudge on Bud Adams. No team in football is as perennially disappointing. The Texans are the new Bengals. Which is good because the Bengals have moved on to become the new Browns. 

Next year I expect the same, an enjoyable regular season followed by the annual playoff crash. 

Q: What was the best moment of the 2018 season for you?

A: There were so many memorable ones. Bears kicker Cody Parkey missing by hitting the uprights four times in one game, and then following it up with a two-post clanger for a playoff game-loser. The Buffalo Bills signing a quarterback who was completely out of the league and then starting them 12 days later on two separate occasions during the season. The annual “Hey, who knew Mark Sanchez was still in the league?” conversation. Cam Newton being unable to throw the ball more than 20 yards toward the end of the year. The Raiders being excited to have Jon Gruden back, and then ending the season homeless. 

But to me, the funniest moment was the Jaguars playing the Bills. During the game, I go to the bathroom and come back to the TV to find the Jags had turned a first-and-goal into a fourth-and-goal from the 24, missed a field goal, and had their only offensive weapon thrown out of the game and suspended for the next one. 

That’s a keeper, my friends. 

Wrapping up the year, I went 31-19 picking games straight up during the regular season, and 30-19-1 against the Vegas oddsmakers. In the playoffs I was 8-3 both ways, which means if I had been out in Vegas and actually wagering on these games, I would either be a rich man, or buried somewhere out in the desert. Either one of which pays better than my radio career, by the way. 

It was a good season, but it still felt like a bridge year. We had stories like the ascension of Patrick Mahomes, the lost season of Aaron Rodgers, Cleveland suddenly becoming a hot team, the chaos of the Super Bowl champion Eagles, the Cowboys almost falling apart and then winning the division, and so many other stories that all seemed like a transition to something greater. 

That bodes well for 2019, my friends. I can’t wait for the draft. 

Reid Kerr talks a lot, as his wife always reminds him. Reid's second book, “I Hate It Here: A Love Story,” is out now on Amazon.com. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.

TWITTER: @PhilHicksETFS

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