Last Friday an editorial appeared in this newspaper warning of a chocolate shortage. What's that you say? Yes, a chocolate shortage.
The easy thing to default to here would be to blame the Chinese. Yes, for a bunch of Communists it turns out they really like chocolate and Bordeaux style red wines from France. They basically ruined the market for wine lovers and now they are messing things up for chocolate lovers.
Wine lovers are sometimes referred to as Oenophiles. My research has not revealed a similar designation for chocolate lovers unless we simply use the common denominator human being.
If chocolate prices surge, we may need to add a symbol on our markets page and a twitter update with a Hershey's Kiss next to the price of chocolate.
Frankly, I don't want to endure a chocolate shortage or a caffeine shortage for that matter. Put the two together and you're probably thinking what I'm thinking, Armageddon.
It makes one wonder if those same people who buy and store food in case of a crisis would add chocolate to the list of survival essentials. That could really drive prices up without respect to China or government price controls in Ghana.
And let's just be clear, there is no substitute for chocolate. No matter how hard the carb crowd wants it to be so, it is simply not chocolate.
For me, this could radically impact my peanut butter cup habit.
What would any of us do if a Hershey bar suddenly cost $25? Sometimes, I have been asked by Elizabeth to hide any surplus chocolate to deter temptation. My efforts are always in vain. No matter how hard I try, she can sniff it out with the greatest of ease.
Likewise my mother hid her Hershey bar stash in a place where no one else in the family had any business looking. It didn't work, and it never will. The human need for chocolate is a dangerous and immutable instinct.
It may be chocolate is the secret to world peace. If you think about it, everyone from Republicans to Democrats to Communists like it. Some politicians operate on the theory you should never waste a good crisis. It seems to me a chocolate crisis could bring the world together in a way that oil and gold never seem to achieve.
Even the greatest of chocolate lovers, the peace loving Swiss could get militant if things go haywire with chocolate. Those people love chocolate like some of us take to fried chicken, pepperoni pizza and frozen custard.
What things would you give up to keep chocolate in your life if the price were to skyrocket? Would you write your first letter to your congressman to rally the world behind the problem? Would our hoarder friends create a black market for chocolate transactions to take place in seedy back alleys?
Send your answers to these important questions to firstname.lastname@example.org or to Chocoholics United at 410 W. Erwin St., Tyler, Texas 75702.
Prizes may include chocolate.
If there's any left.