Cindy Mallette: On the Scene

If you'd asked me 18 months ago whether I could see something good coming out of living with my mother-in-law, I would have said "no!"

My husband and I were married for only four months when she moved in and we weren't on good terms.

For one thing, my husband and I had eloped.

"Steeee-rike one!"

For another, we were living in her house. After my father-in-law passed away, she moved in with her daughter. My husband and I moved into her house to take care of it and live rent-free while we got on our feet. But it was her house. That was clear.

"Steeee-rike two!!"

Finally, just before she moved in, she and I had "words." I'd cleaned the entire place and reorganized the kitchen. In her mind (which she shared with me) I'd "destroyed" her house.

"Steeee-rike three!!! Yer out! Pack your bags and move your stuff to the hall closet. Momma's coming home!"

It was tense for about six months, and at the end of a year, I decided to get counseling. Ron Wells runs Centrepoint Ministries, located in the Old English Village shopping center. The ministry focuses on building strong, biblically based marriages (and a marriage has got to be strong to deal with a live-in mother-in-law). It relies on donations, so Wells can offer free counseling to those who need it. The Web site is www.centrepoint.cc.

During one visit, Ron said something that totally changed my perspective. He quoted Proverbs 27:17, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

Ron said, "You and your husband have a unique opportunity to be sharpened in this situation in a way no one else can." He said when we face these conflicts at home, we can use the "blows" to develop character, patience and understanding that we, in turn, can use to help other people.

That day, I chose to change the way I looked at my mother-in-law. I chose to learn about her instead of simply resent her. And when we had a conflict, I would practice patience (of which I had very little) and love (which I prayed for God to give me).

God opened my eyes: My mother-in-law is a strong, independent woman who is bound to a wheelchair. She's had physical disabilities her whole life, but it never slowed her down. She was the first woman in her family to earn a college degree. When she got pregnant with her only son - my husband - she defied every doctor who told her she wouldn't survive the pregnancy and carried him to term.

She was the office manager for several hospitals and clinics, and together with her husband, she opened an art-and-crafts store. Then about 10 years ago, she suffered a stroke. Now she depends on other people to help her get out of the house, to clean and cook, to basically help her live her life.

"How would I feel if I was in her situation?" It's a question I ask myself every day.

My husband helps me see ways I can relate to her better. "Be patient," is something I hear often. "She's not trying to hurt you. She's trying to help you."

I think any daughter-in-law could use advice like that, regardless of the in-law living situation.

In recent months God has opened up doors for me to help other people. I started a blog about living with my mother-in-law, and it's turned into a sort of outlet for other women in similar situations. We exchange stories, advice and encouragement.

Sometimes those doors open in unexpected places. I love to knit. Nearly every day, I visit a yarn craft-related Web site called Ravelry to find out about new patterns and techniques or to basically chat with like-minded people. It's like Facebook for crafters.

One forum on Ravelry is totally unrelated to knitting, but it's held my attention for weeks now. The forum is dedicated to mothers-in-law or people who have a mother-in-law. I posted my story and people have responded asking for advice to help deal with problematic mothers-in-law. Some mothers-in-law have even asked for advice on how to have a good relationship with their daughters-in-law.

With this new perspective and opportunities to help other people, I can say that living with my mother-in-law has been a good thing. I don't focus on the bad things the way I used to. I understand those bad times are turning me, my husband and my mother-in-law into better people. Through the sharpening, we have become much closer.

Cindy Mallette
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