God Save the Queen
Hugh Neeld is a freelance columnist for TylerPaper.com.
Having recently celebrated July 4th, I found this internet message from the British comedian, John Cleese, to the citizens of the U.S.A. timely. It’s wild and far-fetched, like Cleese himself, but offers food for thought. I’ve shortened it to fit space requirements, but here’s the gist of it:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President and govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her sovereign majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume a monarch’s duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she doesn’t fancy).
Your Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A survey will try to determine if anybody noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, “favour’ and ‘neighbour’. Also, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’. Generally, you will be expected to improve your vocabulary.
2. Using the same 27 words interspersed with ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is unacceptable. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of ‘-ize’.
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. Your need for so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun. You may own nothing more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A peeler permit will be required if you wish to carry one.
5. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without conversion tables. Both roundabouts and Metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
6. You will adopt UK prices on petrol — roughly $6/US per Gallon. Get used to it.
7. You will learn to make real chips. What you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
8. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on Earth, and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth; see what it did for them. American beer will be known as anything other than beer, so that all can be sold without confusion.
9. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. They will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
10. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football. You call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don’t try rugby — the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you as they regularly do us.
11. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Baseball will be placed by the worthy game of cricket.
12. An internal revenue agent (tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
13. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers. No mugs. High quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries and cream when in season.
God save the Queen.
A question to ponder:
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
putterhugh@suddenlink.net
Hugh Neeld is a freelance columnist for TylerPaper.com.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, “favour’ and ‘neighbour’. Also, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’. Generally, you will be expected to improve your vocabulary.
2. Using the same 27 words interspersed with ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is unacceptable. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of ‘-ize’.
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. Your need for so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun. You may own nothing more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A peeler permit will be required if you wish to carry one.
5. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without conversion tables. Both roundabouts and Metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
6. You will adopt UK prices on petrol — roughly $6/US per Gallon. Get used to it.
7. You will learn to make real chips. What you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
8. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on Earth, and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth; see what it did for them. American beer will be known as anything other than beer, so that all can be sold without confusion.
9. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. They will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
10. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football. You call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don’t try rugby — the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you as they regularly do us.
11. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Baseball will be placed by the worthy game of cricket.
12. An internal revenue agent (tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
13. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers. No mugs. High quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries and cream when in season.
God save the Queen.
A question to ponder:
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
putterhugh@suddenlink.net
Hugh Neeld is a freelance columnist for TylerPaper.com.
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