Hugh Neeld: The Curmudgeon Report

I received one of those forwarded e-mails last week that usually make the waste basket immediately. This one, however, really hit home. Here’s what it said:

I took a day last week to review all my e-mails for last year. It was frightening, yet enlightening.

First, I’d like to thank the person who sent me the e-mail about rat excrement in the glue on envelopes. Since receiving it, I’ve used a wet sponge to seal every envelope I use. I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is in the hospital for about the umpteenth time. Even though I’m broke right now, that will change when I get the $15,000 Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail programs.

I don’t worry about my spiritual life because I have a host of angels looking over me, thanks to a special prayer of St. Theresa. I stopped patronizing Kentucky Fried Chicken because their chickens are mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer drink Coca Cola because it is capable of removing toilet stains, nor do I drink Pepsi because their CEO is an atheist. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus because I now have their secret recipe. I don’t use cancer-causing deodorants, even when I start smelling like a buffalo. I’ve learned that prayers only get answered if you forward your e-mail to seven friends.

I no longer buy gasoline without a body guard to keep a serial killer from crawling into my back seat while I’m filling up. And I no longer check the coin slot on pay telephones because I might prick my finger with an AIDS-infected needle. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our troops or the Salvation Army. As a matter of fact, I don’t even go to shopping malls because I might be drugged with a perfume sample and robbed.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave either. It might blow up and disfigure my face. I refuse to accept packages from UPS or Fed-X. They are actually members of Al Qaeda in disguise. I don’t even answer the phone because I might be asked to dial a number for which I get billed for calls to Jamaica.

I no longer have any decent sneakers, but that will change when I get my replacement pair from Nike. I can’t use anybody’s toilet but my own, because a brown recluse spider is hiding underneath the seat waiting to dispense instant death.

If you fail to send this to at least 500 people in the next hour, a big bald eagle with diarrhea will land on your head when you least expect it. Have a nice day.

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A question to ponder:

Is 365 days of drinking low-calorie beer 1 light year?

putterhugh@suddenlink.net

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Hugh Neeld is a freelance columnist for TylerPaper.com.

Hugh Neeld is a freelance columnist for TylerPaper.com.
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