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Complete Forecast for  Jul 09 2008

One of my favorite talk show sketches comes from The Late Show with Conan O’Brien. It’s called, “In the Year 2000,” and it features Conan bathed in green light, wearing a silver cape and making outrageous predictions about the millennium.

A common prediction goes like this: “In the year 2000 holiday season, aliens who look exactly like fresh-baked gingerbread men will pick the worst possible time to invade earth.”

One of my favorites involves the pope, whom I greatly respect and who I hope has a good sense of humor:

“In the year 2000, Pope Benedict the XVI will create a new egg recipe he calls ‘eggs benedict.’ When he is informed the name ‘eggs benedict’ already exists, he will change his name to Pope Juevos Rancheros.”

Conan’s continued the skit well past the year 2000, which might be a little weird for you. I find it hilarious.

So, I’d like to take a cue from the late-night laugh-master and make some predictions of my own for the year 2008.

Just a bit of an explanation before I begin. These predictions — highly researched with the greatest journalistic skill, and by highly researched, I mean “googled.” And by prediction, I mean feeble attempt at a humor column — are divided into easily-consumable categories: politics, local issues, entertainment and Britney Spears.

Maybe I’ll throw Lindsey Lohan into the heap, too. I don’t know. (Please be patient while I adjust my futuristic silver cape and green lamp …)
And here we go!

POLITICS

In the year 2008, Ron Paul will surge in the polls and roundly defeat all Republican candidates … in the El Paso Community College straw poll.

In the year 2008, Smith County Commissioners, the Sheriff’s Office and all registered voters will meet for a friendly bonfire a little north of town, clasp hands and, after singing kum-ba-ya, will come up with a friendly solution to the jail crowding problem.

LOCAL ISSUES

In the year 2008, the city of Longview will try to win back support for a city logo with this slogan, “Longview, East Texas, pure and simple. (But not the residents. They’re not simple. They’re actually very smart. Ever heard of LeTourneau University?)”.

In the year 2008, jurors for Rusk County criminal cases will be issued pillows along with the standard pen and paper. That way, if deliberations reach an impasse, they can all take naps until someone changes their mind.

ENTERTAINMENT

In the year 2008, finally fed up with the writer’s strike, the general population will be asked to submit their own episodes of popular shows to network producers. The people will oblige, then later sue when network producers refuse to pay them for the billions earned through DVD sales.

BRITNEY SPEARS

In the year 2008, after losing custody of her own two sons, Britney will lose custody of her niece, too, when little Jamie Lynn Jr. wanders off in the mall while her auntie shops for flip flops and Starbucks lattes.