New Year's Letter
Hugh Neeld is a freelance columnist for TylerPaper.com.
Did you ever know anyone who went out of their way to let everybody they knew in on how well they were doing? One of their most common techniques is the “New Year’s Letter,” a single-spaced page of boasting disguised as family “news.” Its real intent, of course, is to make every recipient turn green with envy.
Several years ago, on impulse, I looked up a childhood friend that I had lost track of around 1950. I don’t know what prompted me. We weren’t that close, just next-door neighbors for a few years. I finally located him in Las Vegas and called. We had a pleasant conversation and he told me he would be attending a family wedding in Louisiana early the following year and would pass through East Texas on returning home. I invited them to stop by for a visit.
When I first saw him coming up the walk, I started remembering all the reasons I’d waited so long to renew the acquaintance. His car was exactly what I would buy for myself if I ever won the lottery. Although a year older than me, he looked 10 years younger. His wife, a striking blonde, looked even 20 years younger than that. They were poster children for cosmetic surgery. After we endured a three-hour monologue on their successes, acquisitions and exotic travel, they left.
Since then, I’ve done nothing to encourage a continuance of our relationship, but it appears I’m too late.
We just recently received their annual “New Year’s Letter.” The earlier ones we received stretched believability to the limit. This one was the best yet.
“Happy New Year,” it began. “2007 was a terrific year, but 2008 looks even better. Lots of traveling, of course, between our homes in Colorado and Las Vegas. We’re selling our house in Colorado and will be moving into our new home in Las Vegas. It’s the same neighborhood as the old one, just newer and larger.”
This set the tone for the rest of the letter, but let me select a few choice quotes to give you the full impact.
“This will be a heavy travel year for us. In mid-March we depart for South America. In Argentina we board a cruise ship around the tip of the continent and wind up in San Diego, California on April 17.”
Honest, folks, I’m not making this letter up. Listen to this:
“June will find us in Virginia for our granddaughter’s graduation and then on to England to visit friends. From there we embark on a cruise taking in Russia, Norway and Sweden."
My wife had become glassy-eyed by this time and was nodding off as I read.
“The only other major trip is this fall,” the letter concluded, “either New Zealand and Australia or Thailand. Hopefully 2008 will have us a lot closer to home. Perhaps one day we will actually use the travel trailer we bought over three years ago. We have not yet used it.”
The rest was contact information (a paragraph all by itself).
I knew that if we sent them a C.A.R.E. package, they probably wouldn’t “get it”, and asked my wife for some help in writing a letter of response—something with just a hint of “oneupmanship.”
“Which sounds more impressive,” I asked, “leasing a sky box at the Super Bowl, or a vacation villa in Monaco?”
A question to ponder:
Have you noticed there are people who can brighten up a room by leaving it?
putterhugh@suddenlink.net
Hugh Neeld is a syndicated columnist for TylerPaper.com.
Several years ago, on impulse, I looked up a childhood friend that I had lost track of around 1950. I don’t know what prompted me. We weren’t that close, just next-door neighbors for a few years. I finally located him in Las Vegas and called. We had a pleasant conversation and he told me he would be attending a family wedding in Louisiana early the following year and would pass through East Texas on returning home. I invited them to stop by for a visit.
When I first saw him coming up the walk, I started remembering all the reasons I’d waited so long to renew the acquaintance. His car was exactly what I would buy for myself if I ever won the lottery. Although a year older than me, he looked 10 years younger. His wife, a striking blonde, looked even 20 years younger than that. They were poster children for cosmetic surgery. After we endured a three-hour monologue on their successes, acquisitions and exotic travel, they left.
Since then, I’ve done nothing to encourage a continuance of our relationship, but it appears I’m too late.
We just recently received their annual “New Year’s Letter.” The earlier ones we received stretched believability to the limit. This one was the best yet.
“Happy New Year,” it began. “2007 was a terrific year, but 2008 looks even better. Lots of traveling, of course, between our homes in Colorado and Las Vegas. We’re selling our house in Colorado and will be moving into our new home in Las Vegas. It’s the same neighborhood as the old one, just newer and larger.”
This set the tone for the rest of the letter, but let me select a few choice quotes to give you the full impact.
“This will be a heavy travel year for us. In mid-March we depart for South America. In Argentina we board a cruise ship around the tip of the continent and wind up in San Diego, California on April 17.”
Honest, folks, I’m not making this letter up. Listen to this:
“June will find us in Virginia for our granddaughter’s graduation and then on to England to visit friends. From there we embark on a cruise taking in Russia, Norway and Sweden."
My wife had become glassy-eyed by this time and was nodding off as I read.
“The only other major trip is this fall,” the letter concluded, “either New Zealand and Australia or Thailand. Hopefully 2008 will have us a lot closer to home. Perhaps one day we will actually use the travel trailer we bought over three years ago. We have not yet used it.”
The rest was contact information (a paragraph all by itself).
I knew that if we sent them a C.A.R.E. package, they probably wouldn’t “get it”, and asked my wife for some help in writing a letter of response—something with just a hint of “oneupmanship.”
“Which sounds more impressive,” I asked, “leasing a sky box at the Super Bowl, or a vacation villa in Monaco?”
A question to ponder:
Have you noticed there are people who can brighten up a room by leaving it?
putterhugh@suddenlink.net
Hugh Neeld is a syndicated columnist for TylerPaper.com.
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