Posted on
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Years Change Holiday Parties
Many things have changed in the business world over the years, but nothing more than the traditional company Christmas party. Here’s how such a party might unfold today:
Date: 12/3 To: Staff Re: Christmas party From: Pat Brown, PR Director
This year’s Christmas party will take place December 21st starting at noon with a luncheon at the Women’s Building. No open bar, but plenty of egg nog. We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols. Don’t be surprised if the boss shows up as Santa Claus.
Date: 12/5 To: Staff Re: Christmas party From: Pat Brown, PR Director
In no way was Monday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We know that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday party.” The same policy applies to our employees who are observing Kwanzaa at this time. OK?
Date: 12/7 To: Staff Re: Holiday party From: Pat Brown, PR Director
Regarding the note received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a “non-drinking” table, you didn’t sign your name. I’ll be happy to honor the request, but if I put an AA-Only sign on your table, you will no longer be anonymous. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Anybody?
Date: 12/10 To: Staff Re: Holiday party From: Pat Brown, PR Director
What a diverse group we are. I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. We do appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not fit in with our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the caterer can hold off serving your meal until the end of the party, or wrap it in foil for you to take home. Will that work? Also, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit as far as possible from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did we miss anybody?
Date: 12/12 To: Staff Re: Holiday party From: Pat Brown, PR Director
So December 22 marks the winter Solstice—what do you know about that? Fire safety regulations at the Women’s Building prohibit the burning of sage by our earth-based-goddess-worshipping employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your drumming circle during the band’s intermission, OK?
Date: 12/14 To: Staff Re: Holiday party From: Pat Brown, PR Director
People! Nothing sinister was intended by having the boss dress up as Santa Claus. Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.” It’s a tradition, folks, like candy at Halloween, turkey at Thanksgiving, or hearts on Valentine Day. Could we lighten up just a bit?
Date: 12/17 To: Staff Re: Holiday party From: Pat Brown, PR Director
Vegetarians?? I’ve had it with you people! We’re having the party at the Women’s Building whether you like it or not. You can sit quietly at the table farthest from the “grill of death” and you’ll get your salad with the hydrophonic tomatoes. But tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them. I hear them now.
Date: 12/19 To: Staff Re: Pat Brown/Party From: Jo Fuller, acting PR Director
I know I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Brown a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. Meanwhile, management has decided to cancel our holiday party and give everyone the afternoon of the 21st off with full pay. Whatever you’re celebrating this holiday season, and however you choose to celebrate it, have a safe and happy one.
A question to ponder:
Could you call Santa’s helpers subordinate clauses?
putterhugh@suddenlink.net
Hugh Neeld is a freelance columnist for TylerPaper.com.
Date: 12/3 To: Staff Re: Christmas party From: Pat Brown, PR Director
This year’s Christmas party will take place December 21st starting at noon with a luncheon at the Women’s Building. No open bar, but plenty of egg nog. We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols. Don’t be surprised if the boss shows up as Santa Claus.
Date: 12/5 To: Staff Re: Christmas party From: Pat Brown, PR Director
In no way was Monday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We know that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday party.” The same policy applies to our employees who are observing Kwanzaa at this time. OK?
Date: 12/7 To: Staff Re: Holiday party From: Pat Brown, PR Director
Regarding the note received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a “non-drinking” table, you didn’t sign your name. I’ll be happy to honor the request, but if I put an AA-Only sign on your table, you will no longer be anonymous. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Anybody?
Date: 12/10 To: Staff Re: Holiday party From: Pat Brown, PR Director
What a diverse group we are. I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. We do appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not fit in with our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the caterer can hold off serving your meal until the end of the party, or wrap it in foil for you to take home. Will that work? Also, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit as far as possible from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did we miss anybody?
Date: 12/12 To: Staff Re: Holiday party From: Pat Brown, PR Director
So December 22 marks the winter Solstice—what do you know about that? Fire safety regulations at the Women’s Building prohibit the burning of sage by our earth-based-goddess-worshipping employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your drumming circle during the band’s intermission, OK?
Date: 12/14 To: Staff Re: Holiday party From: Pat Brown, PR Director
People! Nothing sinister was intended by having the boss dress up as Santa Claus. Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.” It’s a tradition, folks, like candy at Halloween, turkey at Thanksgiving, or hearts on Valentine Day. Could we lighten up just a bit?
Date: 12/17 To: Staff Re: Holiday party From: Pat Brown, PR Director
Vegetarians?? I’ve had it with you people! We’re having the party at the Women’s Building whether you like it or not. You can sit quietly at the table farthest from the “grill of death” and you’ll get your salad with the hydrophonic tomatoes. But tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them. I hear them now.
Date: 12/19 To: Staff Re: Pat Brown/Party From: Jo Fuller, acting PR Director
I know I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Brown a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. Meanwhile, management has decided to cancel our holiday party and give everyone the afternoon of the 21st off with full pay. Whatever you’re celebrating this holiday season, and however you choose to celebrate it, have a safe and happy one.
A question to ponder:
Could you call Santa’s helpers subordinate clauses?
putterhugh@suddenlink.net
Hugh Neeld is a freelance columnist for TylerPaper.com.
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