Just Say Yes to the Holidays
Hugh Neeld is a freelance columnist for TylerPaper.com.
The holidays used to be my favorite time of the year, but not any more. It’s not just the naked commercialism or the phony portrayal you see on television of Thanksgiving and Christmas that dampens my spirit. It’s the hordes of well-meaning people who come out of the woodwork every year with tips on “how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.”
Magazines and newspapers are full of such well-thought-out advice as this: "Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, and fill up on vegetable sticks.” And don’t stick your finger in an empty light socket either. Gee, thanks!
Let me ask you something. Is your favorite memory of holidays past a carrot or celery stick? Not mine. That kind of stuff is for rabbits.
I have my own list of holiday tips I’d like to share with you. Follow them and you, too, will be fat and happy.
1. About carrot sticks: Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrot sticks on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Thanksgiving spirit. If you see carrots on the table, leave. Go next door where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much egg nog as you can. You won’t find it any other time of the year, so drink up. Never mind that it has 10,000 calories in every sip. It won’t turn you into an egg-o-holic it’s a treat—enjoy!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. It doesn’t stand alone. Pour it on. Make a mountain out of your mashed potatoes. Drown it in gravy. Eat the mountain. Do it again. Be sure to ask, also, if the gravy is made with skim or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass.
4. Do not snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The point of going to a holiday party in the first place is to eat other people’s food for free—lots of it. Play like you’re still in college.
5. Do not exercise between now and the end of the year. There will be plenty of time to do that in January.
6. If you come upon something really good at a buffet table, position yourself within arm’s reach and don’t move until people start to stare.
7. Devote special attention to pie: apple, pumpkin, pecan. Have a slice of each. If you don’t like one, double up on another. Just be sure to have three. You won’t get a chance to have three desserts often.
8. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the table, you haven’t taken those tips seriously. Reread them. Go back to the starting line, but hurry! Dessertless January is just around the corner.
A question to ponder:
If they put a tax on being overweight, could we truly live off the fat of the land?
putterhugh@suddenlink.net
Hugh Neeld is a freelance columnist for TylerPaper.com.
Magazines and newspapers are full of such well-thought-out advice as this: "Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, and fill up on vegetable sticks.” And don’t stick your finger in an empty light socket either. Gee, thanks!
Let me ask you something. Is your favorite memory of holidays past a carrot or celery stick? Not mine. That kind of stuff is for rabbits.
I have my own list of holiday tips I’d like to share with you. Follow them and you, too, will be fat and happy.
1. About carrot sticks: Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrot sticks on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Thanksgiving spirit. If you see carrots on the table, leave. Go next door where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much egg nog as you can. You won’t find it any other time of the year, so drink up. Never mind that it has 10,000 calories in every sip. It won’t turn you into an egg-o-holic it’s a treat—enjoy!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. It doesn’t stand alone. Pour it on. Make a mountain out of your mashed potatoes. Drown it in gravy. Eat the mountain. Do it again. Be sure to ask, also, if the gravy is made with skim or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass.
4. Do not snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The point of going to a holiday party in the first place is to eat other people’s food for free—lots of it. Play like you’re still in college.
5. Do not exercise between now and the end of the year. There will be plenty of time to do that in January.
6. If you come upon something really good at a buffet table, position yourself within arm’s reach and don’t move until people start to stare.
7. Devote special attention to pie: apple, pumpkin, pecan. Have a slice of each. If you don’t like one, double up on another. Just be sure to have three. You won’t get a chance to have three desserts often.
8. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the table, you haven’t taken those tips seriously. Reread them. Go back to the starting line, but hurry! Dessertless January is just around the corner.
A question to ponder:
If they put a tax on being overweight, could we truly live off the fat of the land?
putterhugh@suddenlink.net
Hugh Neeld is a freelance columnist for TylerPaper.com.
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