That Oughta Work
Hugh Neeld is a freelance columnist for TylerPaper.com.
Although retired, I worry about the employment situation, and read the papers carefully for tidbits of good news concerning it.
There was a story recently about a local town interviewing for another police chief.
“One thing about it,” I told my wife, “As long as these towns around here have a police department, there’ll always be job opportunities in East Texas.”
Then, at last—the kind of news I was hoping to see. The headline read: U.S. BUSINESS SEES SUBSTANTIAL HIRING AGAIN.
This is good, I thought, but of equal importance, it represents an opportunity for business owners and operators to strengthen their companies as never before. Here’s how they could do so:
Those people who have been out of work for awhile now are going to be so grateful to have a job, they’ll put up with working conditions they wouldn’t have tolerated before. If business owners are smart, this will be the ideal time to institute an “employee slapping” policy. Yes, you heard me right—an employee slapping policy. It might sound a little bizarre, but it’s the kind of incentive that would not only cause employees to work harder for advancement, but bind upper level management to a company like nothing else.
What could be more desired by a foreman or department head than the absolute, guaranteed right to slap an employee for good cause? Sure, there would have to be a strict set of guidelines, otherwise it could get out of hand. I, for one would never want to see an employee get slapped for no good reason. It would be a simple matter, though, to establish and publish rules of behavior for employees, any violation of which would allow their boss to slap them.
I could feel a column coming from this line of thought, and started doing some research through my favorite newsletter, Unstable Sources.
Surprise! Surprise! There are already a dozen American companies that have started an employee slapping policy. One, Amalgamated Manicotti, is located right here in east Texas. I was able to get an interview with several of their upper-level employees, and learned some interesting facts.
Although widely hailed by supervisors as a great equalizer, the slapping of employees has, not only come under fire from the rank and file, but some senior-level managers as well.
My first interview was with Marcie Peppercorn, vice-president of sales.
“I don’t like it a bit,” she told me. “I’m a vice-president, and I get slapped. I think there should be a ceiling somewhere just below me, so that I don’t get slapped, but I still get to slap. That, to me, would be an acceptable system.”
Peppercorn feels the program has possibilities, but there’s lots of room for improvement. “One violation they’ve been cracking down on is the slunch, or slap/punch,” she said. “My boss punched me once. She said it was a slap, but I felt knuckle. I couldn’t powder my nose for a week.”
Proponents of employee slapping argue that it makes up for the lost sense of balance many in management feel, with several managers reporting they can literally “feel the tension fly right off their fingertips.” Some also contend the policy has increased ambition in the workforce. Todd Wheelwright, a senior marketing manager, believes that climbing the corporate ladder to attain more power and money has been supplanted by a darker desire. “It’s simple math.” He said. “I’ve got six people under me—only six people I can slap. My boss has ninety-six people under him. I want his job.”
My final interview was with Amalgamated’s CEO, B.T. Prophet. “There are limits to ambition,” Prophet said. “I’ve got 1,200 employees, and theoretically, I could slap every one of them, but who’s got the time? What I’ve learned, and this is a good lesson for prospective managers out there, is delegate.”
According to Unstable Sources, with the rapid pace of its adoption, employee slapping is expected to quickly extend beyond the business world and reach into government. “We’ve bought all our candidates mouth pieces,” said the chairman of the Democratic party. “We’ve also told them to stop saying I work for the American people, which our research shows is the main reason people want to slap them in the first place.”
A question to ponder:
Is it better to be forgetful than to remember things that never happened?
putterhugh@suddenlink.net
Hugh Neeld is a freelance columnist for TylerPaper.com.
There was a story recently about a local town interviewing for another police chief.
“One thing about it,” I told my wife, “As long as these towns around here have a police department, there’ll always be job opportunities in East Texas.”
Then, at last—the kind of news I was hoping to see. The headline read: U.S. BUSINESS SEES SUBSTANTIAL HIRING AGAIN.
This is good, I thought, but of equal importance, it represents an opportunity for business owners and operators to strengthen their companies as never before. Here’s how they could do so:
Those people who have been out of work for awhile now are going to be so grateful to have a job, they’ll put up with working conditions they wouldn’t have tolerated before. If business owners are smart, this will be the ideal time to institute an “employee slapping” policy. Yes, you heard me right—an employee slapping policy. It might sound a little bizarre, but it’s the kind of incentive that would not only cause employees to work harder for advancement, but bind upper level management to a company like nothing else.
What could be more desired by a foreman or department head than the absolute, guaranteed right to slap an employee for good cause? Sure, there would have to be a strict set of guidelines, otherwise it could get out of hand. I, for one would never want to see an employee get slapped for no good reason. It would be a simple matter, though, to establish and publish rules of behavior for employees, any violation of which would allow their boss to slap them.
I could feel a column coming from this line of thought, and started doing some research through my favorite newsletter, Unstable Sources.
Surprise! Surprise! There are already a dozen American companies that have started an employee slapping policy. One, Amalgamated Manicotti, is located right here in east Texas. I was able to get an interview with several of their upper-level employees, and learned some interesting facts.
Although widely hailed by supervisors as a great equalizer, the slapping of employees has, not only come under fire from the rank and file, but some senior-level managers as well.
My first interview was with Marcie Peppercorn, vice-president of sales.
“I don’t like it a bit,” she told me. “I’m a vice-president, and I get slapped. I think there should be a ceiling somewhere just below me, so that I don’t get slapped, but I still get to slap. That, to me, would be an acceptable system.”
Peppercorn feels the program has possibilities, but there’s lots of room for improvement. “One violation they’ve been cracking down on is the slunch, or slap/punch,” she said. “My boss punched me once. She said it was a slap, but I felt knuckle. I couldn’t powder my nose for a week.”
Proponents of employee slapping argue that it makes up for the lost sense of balance many in management feel, with several managers reporting they can literally “feel the tension fly right off their fingertips.” Some also contend the policy has increased ambition in the workforce. Todd Wheelwright, a senior marketing manager, believes that climbing the corporate ladder to attain more power and money has been supplanted by a darker desire. “It’s simple math.” He said. “I’ve got six people under me—only six people I can slap. My boss has ninety-six people under him. I want his job.”
My final interview was with Amalgamated’s CEO, B.T. Prophet. “There are limits to ambition,” Prophet said. “I’ve got 1,200 employees, and theoretically, I could slap every one of them, but who’s got the time? What I’ve learned, and this is a good lesson for prospective managers out there, is delegate.”
According to Unstable Sources, with the rapid pace of its adoption, employee slapping is expected to quickly extend beyond the business world and reach into government. “We’ve bought all our candidates mouth pieces,” said the chairman of the Democratic party. “We’ve also told them to stop saying I work for the American people, which our research shows is the main reason people want to slap them in the first place.”
A question to ponder:
Is it better to be forgetful than to remember things that never happened?
putterhugh@suddenlink.net
Hugh Neeld is a freelance columnist for TylerPaper.com.
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